“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation …” Henry David Thoreau
It is lamentable that Americans are so independent. In our head long rush toward self-fulfillment, self-satisfaction and self-aggrandizement many of us have lost any meaningful connection to one another.
On a related note I have finally found out what attracts me to people. It took me 31 years but I now know what I find attractive and compelling about people. I care about people that care about people.
Im not a big fan of Angelina Jolie (in fact I find her tabloid soap opera very sad) but I did see a picture of her a year ago that endeared her to my heart. It wasnt one of the thousand photos of her scantily clad or provocatively posed. No it was a photo of her in a UNICEF shirt working in Africa. The fact that she cared and did something about the plight of others caused me to care about her.
The past two weeks I helped out the yearbook sponsor at my school complete the yearbook (I had sponsored the yearbook the previous three years). At team time some fellow teachers asked me what I was getting paid and I bemoaned the fact that I wouldnt get paid anything for all of the work I had put in helping my friend. Just as quickly the thought came to mind and I said it as it came.
“When it comes down to it what is more important relationships or money?” As I said it my gut told me the correct answer would be relationships. And yet when the rubber meets the road I will do many things for money with a cheery attitude, while I begrudge the minimal effort I expend building relationships.
A student teacher, Michael, and I have hit it off the past few months and so we decided to hold some poker nights and invite our co-workers. Needless to say after much prodding, inviting and pleading weve held two poker nights AND no one from my work showed for either night. I had a half a dozen maybes and a whole bushel of “I wish I could” but no one made the effort to actually show. Michael, my wife and myself had a great time both nights, but I did feel a little hurt that no one else cared enough to attend.
I cant hold it against anyone, but I can be disappointed. I guess when it comes down to it Im longing for someone to invite me. To be wanted. To be desired. To be valued.
The last person that invited me to anything I married (Tamara invited me, a lonely commuter student, to “The Battle of the Bands”). Again the whole caring about people that care is what attracted me to my future wife.
In the past two entries I wrote about the movie The Constant Gardener. As Ive mentioned that movie has stayed with me. Maybe the reason that the death of Rachel Weiszs character Tessa affected me so much is because this person cared. This person loved and showed compassion for others.
The other reason the film affected me so is that Tessa IS Tamara before I ruined her. I only hope that I can somehow find a way to restore to Tamara her compassion and love for others. Lord knows Ive done so much to stifle it.
In college Tamara would often run across the campus, in her missionary dress, to hug a friend. I witnessed this event many times and not a few of the embracees turned out to be total strangers. But did one of these errant embracees ever feel hurt by the attention? Was anyone ever upset that someone cared enough to hug them even if it was a mistake?
So besides my wife it seems that no one wants me. This may not be true but experiences do have their way of jading us.
Growing up my best friend never invited me to spend the night at his house (though I had him over to my house dozens of times).
A couple that I traveled around the world with and worked with for years couldnt even make it to my wedding. My best friend wouldnt even take a day off of work to be my best man. And though I have freely videoed more than 20 weddings I couldnt find someone with any video experience to shoot my own.
Since marriage my wife and I have invited guests over to our house at least 50 times, probably more. Weve been to other peoples houses twice (our neighbors and best friends both had us over once).
Earlier this year the parents of one my students said they wanted to have my wife and I over for dinner. I was so excited – no parent had ever expressed an interest in me as a human being. Needless to say an actual invitation never materialized.
Unfortunately, the list goes on and the logical conclusion is inescapable. Im not wanted. Or at the least no one finds my company something to be desired. Maybe they are on to something, maybe I am undesirable. Or at least this is my mood at the present. (Yes, Im having a good ole fashioned pity party – and no one else showed up).
While I cant ignore the inferences on my own character, I think the lack of hospitality reflected by my experiences is more of a cultural malaise. Or at least I HOPE it is.
Americans, as a whole it seems, dont care about others. We are attracted to people that do care but were either too selfish or were never trained to care about others. Maybe thats why so many people hate themselves.
Siya tidak tau (I no know).
So what is more important? Relationships or money? The one that is more important should become the priority. Another way to look at it is the proverbial death bed revelation. On your death bed will you wish that you had more money or more friends?
If we feel lonely we should be a friend. If we feel left out we should include. If we feel rejected we should accept.
My approach? Well, I decided in college that I was going to live my life without regrets. During college I missed a couple weddings that I later regretted. Why did I miss them? Laziness. I remember one in particular where my friend Brian was getting married and I just plain didnt bother going even though it was less than a half a mile away. I still regret it.
After this I decided that I wasnt going to live my life full of regrets. I would make choices that put relationships over convenience. I havent batted a thousand but I try to reach out and serve others whenever I can.
There is of course a balance. I have a good friend who cares about others so much that she doesnt take care of herself which causes repeated burn outs and inconsistency. As a father and husband the people that I most care about are my family and I have made them my priority. But teaching my children how to host, invite and include others by my example hits two birds with one stone, which really appeals to me since Im also very pragmatic.
So whats the moral of this story? Most every evening is convenient for us, we are night owls and our kids will sleep anywhere (while we chat and play games). We are picky but we will eat whatever you make or order. Oh, and well bring some games and stories. My e-mail is philip@pfanstiel.com
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