One of my dreams is to be like Elijah the Tishbite, as he calls down fire from heaven and dispels all doubts about whose God is really in control. I can only imagine how he felt the next day. He must have been on cloud nine for a week.
However, the person I most associate with in Bible doesn’t even have a name. The Bible just says that there were four leprous men in Samaria. These lepers decide to go to the Syrian camp and ask for food. They reason that if they stay in Samaria they’ll die, but if they go to the Syrian camp they’ll either be killed or given food. If they do nothing they’ll die, but if they do something, though it’s a long shot, they may survive. As they walk through the canyon to the Syrian camp God uses their footsteps to echo throughout the canyon, scare the Syrians who flee back to their homeland. Thus the seige is broken and Samaria is saved by four lepers who took a chance.
I once heard an illustration about a new line of hotels opening in New York City. When they hired their staff they purposefully didn’t hire anyone with experience at other hotels. Instead they intentionally chose people that had never worked in hotels before. Their rationale was that they’d save time by simply training their new hires and not having to untrain and then retrain the experienced people.
Wisdom isn’t priced like it used to be. In the ancient days the elders would gather at the gates of the city to hear disputes, give advice and witness pacts and agreements. Now it seems we put a premium on gumption and appearances and discount experience and earned wisdom.
This leads me to the first thing I don’t have to say:
When you’re young everyone wants you to have experience, when your experienced noone wants you.
People seemed to like me more when I was younger. People took chances on me. My first principal, Mrs. Martinez, went out of her way and jumped through a number of hoops in order to hire me. I’ll forever be indebted and grateful for the chance she took and the chance she gave me.
Now, I’m an experienced teacher of 10 years and am good at what I do. This summer I applied and interviewed for a number of high school social studies positions and a position teaching video production. Now I’m very qualified and experienced, and no one wants me. The good news is that I did get three interviews that I thought went really well. I must have been in the minority view.
I wonder if the reluctance to take a chance on an older person goes back to the hotel illustration. Depending on the day I can chalk up not being offered any of the jobs to a dozen different reasonable conclusions (they needed coaches, they already had someone they wanted, they found someone more qualified) but at times in my melancholy there is only one explanation.
If you are in a similar position a movie I watched recently was very cathartic; The Company Men with Ben Affleck and Tommy Lee Jones.
Hauntingly Beautiful Blue Timing
One of the most haunting verses from my adolescents is the verse in Ecclesiates “He makes all things beautiful in his time.” Like Pappa Smurf’s immortal line (to me at least) “not much further now, my little smurflings.” Thinking and knowing that God’s timing is perfect and that in due season we’ll reap if we faint not (don’t give up) is very comforting at first. But as the journey progresses, time passes and we seem no closer to the destination that we had placed in our mind, this verse causes more frustration then comfort. I’m at that point now. And my biggest fear when praying is that God will respond to my repeated queries with that haunting line of Papa Smurf’s “much, much, much further.”
I’m trying so hard to wrap my head around all of this and trying to keep my attitude and heart right. And I’m not always successful. To say I’m getting a tad frustrated is the second major understatement in as many sentences.
“No one likes me everyone hates me, I guess I’ll go eat worms”
So this spring I started to feel sorry for myself. I was asked to apply to other schools in my district since I had my high school certification. As I mentioned none of these schools wanted me. But even before this it hit me just how expendable I was. I’m now at my third school in the district and I’m starting to realize the phrase “if you look around and can’t find the weakest link, then you’re it.”
I don’t think I’m that bad but maybe I’m delusional. I’ve never had good olfactory senses and need to be careful to bathe, use deodorant, etc… because if I don’t I can’t tell when I smell. So this spring it hit me that maybe I wasn’t the vaunted teacher that everyone wanted. Maybe I was “that” teacher that thought he was really good but was really the laughingstock in the lounge.
So in one of my down moments I poured out my heart and frustration (that no one liked or wanted me) to a good teacher friend and haven’t heard from him in months. Didn’t even get invited to his wedding. If Old Spice would make a social deodorant they’d make a million. Heck, I’ll even sign up for the trial round. I just don’t get it.
There’s a verse that says “as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” I’ve always envied those popular people that everyone wants to be friends with. As a natural introvert, I’ve surrounded myself with extroverts (my brother Sam, my wife, friends) and have tried to learn how to be more extroverted since this is what everyone seems to want. But maybe everyone caught on to my charade. I wanted too much to be wanted, so they didn’t want me.
Funny thing in my decade of teaching is that the years that I was the most popular among my students were the years I didn’t care what my students thought. I just wanted to be the best teacher I could be. When I start to care what people think, I get blindsided and rejected.
“That’s not why I rode.”
One of my family’s favorite movies growing up was “The Man from the Snowy River.” Its a great film that I reintroduced to my own family this past year. My favorite line is when Jim Craig is offered the 100 pound reward for rescuing the escaped colt by the man who blamed him for letting the colt escape. He rejects the money and says “That’s not why I rode.” He then looks at the man’s daughter, the woman that he loves and it is clear why he rode. He didn’t ride for the reward. He didn’t ride for vindication. He rode for love. And in Hollywood’s shortsighted vision, romantic love is the ultimate goal.
I’ve had to remind myself a dozen hundred times why I ride. Why do I do what I do? What is my motivation? Why do I put in extra time, emotions, money, resources and effort at work? Why do I care what people think? Why did we have so many children (six) and will adopt more as we’re able (unrepentant breeder syndrome)? Why do I stay up countless nights writing stuff that noone, as of yet, reads?
I can’t honestly answer this question with just one answer. I think that at times I do ride for the approval of others. I do ride for validation. I do ride for my ego.
But what I want to ride for is love. And a more far sighted love that mere romance. A love for my neighbor. In the end my hearts desire is not for rewards, accolades, or trophies. Simply put I want heaven to be a lot more crowded because I rode. And in the eons to come I think I shall finally get over my introverted ways as I get to know each person that I had the smallest role in their salvation. I know I’ll be busy getting to know the multitudes that contributed to my salvation and growth and finally giving them the thanks that they deserve.
My two cents: Debt Crisis
I have a very different view of the “debt ceiling crisis” that we just went through. Watching the news it was amazing just how “sky is falling” everyone was. I think that it might have been a good thing for a default.
The illustration that is zooming through my head is of a car speeding down a highway. A mile away a bridge is out and the car is approaching it at 80 mph. By the time the car sees that the bridge is out it will be too late to stop. Now, let’s say, there’s a speedbump in the road that causes the car to have to slow down and gives it a jolt. The speedbump serves two very important functions. It slows down the car and it awakens the driver. Now when he takes that last turn onto the bridge he is alert enough to immediately recognize the bridge is out and he’s going slow enough to take corrective measures.
Our economy is the car and we are heading very quickly toward some serious times that we aren’t ready for and when we do come into them we’ll undoubtedly wreck. This “debt crisis” is hopefully one of many future speed bumps that will wake us up and get us ready for what’s ahead.
Besides, if I were an investor in say China (I just randomly picked a nation) and I saw the US getting serious about its debt it would actually make me more willing to invest in the US. Too many countries take debt not seriously enough and it has bankrupted them (Greece, Spain, Ireland, etc…). For the US to get serious about its debt is a good thing in my opinion.
Conclusion
This Sunday I submitted my dream screenplay to a festival in Hollywood. I only worked on this script for the past 12 years or so. I know my scripts journey is only just beginning but in many ways I feel like I’ve at least given it a chance at life. I think its pretty good. Compared to what normally passes for movies nowadays, I think its more than good.
Some who payed attention in Sunday School probably corrected me earlier when I spoke of the high that Elijah was on after Mount Carmel (where he called down fire from heaven). In fact the very next day he was suicidal and probably used the “noboday likes me everyone hates me” line.
After writing much, the only thing I have to say today of any import is this.
Don’t faint, keep going, know each bump is there for a reason and remember why you’re riding.
“It will be worth it all, when we see Jesus.”
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