or a review of The Constant Gardner
There is only one thing wrong with this movie, and that is the title. Everything else is pitch perfect. Too perfect really. So haunting that I cant stop thinking about it even though I watched it days ago.
The Constant Gardner has dug deep into my soul and opened up the vault that is nearest and dearest to me and so therefore the most guarded.
Love. Especially the lose of love. In this vault have gone other books (Bridge to Terebithia), films (Dr. Zhivago, Braveheart, Prizzis Honor), and music (Billy Spragues Torn Between Two Worlds) that have dealt with the lose of love.
As Ive processed and contemplated the film it has stirred into this vault and is uncovering so many raw emotions. I suspect that we all have these emotions of love, longing and lose. Ive tried to train myself through writing (such as this entry) to welcome such uncomfortable thoughts so that I can process and grow from them (even still it is never enjoyable).
Deep down Im still a very sensitive pre-teen. I can still feel the depression, denial and hollowness that I experienced 20 years ago when I read Bridge to Terebithia.
Aside: Ive heard that they are making this book into a movie. If so they should hire the complete cast and crew from the Constant Gardner. Maybe Rachel Weisz could play Jesses art teacher. I dont know who you could cast for Jesse and Leslie but they should be unknown actors. If they cast Dakatoh Fanning then I will boycott Hollywood for ever. And IM SERIOUS.
There are three questions that Im contemplating in regards to lost love. The hardest (and one I cannot pretend to answer) is the why. Why is the lose of love so debilitating? Why does it hurt so much (even and especially when it isnt even real [all of the examples in paragraph three are fictional except for the death of Billy Spragues fiancee])? Why does our heart ache? Why do we form these emotional attachments anyway? Is there some deeper love story that inspires our weak attempts to recreate and live it?
Aside (yes I like asides): Love creates a major crack in Evolutionary Theory. Love serves no function in “Survival of the Fittest” in fact Love has the opposite effect. And yet we are all wired to embrace, respond and long for love. No animal dwells on love like we do.
The second question is how does one tap into this Lost Love emotion? As a writer a number of my stories attempt to tap into this emotion. None of them do this well… yet.
In one of my scripts I decided to have the wife of the protagonist die in child birth. Now this is my own story (though it is based on a true story) and I could do whatever I want with Olivia. But no matter how I rework the material to keep her alive it seems her death is unavoidable and it has affected me. Even now Im thinking of some way to keep her alive.
I wonder what Randall Wallace, the author of Braveheart, was thinking when he had William Wallaces wife killed in the first act. Did Katherine Patterson try to keep Leslie from drowning?
I dont know about them, but I dont want even my own made up characters to experience the lose of love.
The third question and most practical. How do we keep from losing love?
In the Constant Gardner (Ill try not to tell more than the jacket does) Justins wife Tessa is killed and he goes on a search to find out why. In the first act there is no love lost when Tessa is killed. The marriage was a sham. Then the big reveal and all of a sudden this sham of a marriage is now a tragic love story. One of the recurring questions that Justin asks is “why didnt you tell me Tessa?” A question that Ive often asked my wife but I wont go into that now (yet another entry in 10 years maybe).
In life they never fully connected and only after her death does he finally realize how much he loved her and she loved him.
Dude, if Rachel Weisz doesnt win the Oscar tomorrow night then Im boycotting Hollywood for another lifetime.
Answer: Appreciate each other. The question: How do we keep from losing love?
A couple of years ago my wife, Tamara, and I were going through a rough patch. During this time the idea of divorce, or some other escape from this marriage, kept blinking like a red exit sign in the back of my mind. One day I felt God telling me to consider the option of divorce. I believe that divorce isnt Gods will for any marriage so I refused to consider it fully but kept it as some magical cure all pill tucked away next to my Lost Love vault. So when God told me to consider it I was taken aback.
Once I really considered divorce and all that divorce would mean for my wife, myself and our children (unmeasurable pain, loneliness, rejection, depression, the lose of my best friend – not to mention the financial shipwreck it would leave) it quickly turned from some escape valve into an entrance to hell on earth.
My dad once told me that the key to a long marriage is two. Only two. Once a third person is introduced (either through emotional or actual adultery) then the two stop working to fix and keep the marriage whole. One may still be trying but the other has already detached. Which leads to the best advice a counselor ever gave us: Stay engaged. Sometimes our engagements turn into major battles of attrition but we have stayed engaged nonetheless.
Since that rough patch Ive started to reconsider my wife. Instead of dwelling on the negative Ive looked at the positive and Ive become smitten with her all over again. Truly love believes the best, ignores faults and appreciates what it has. Amazingly many of the issues that I fixated on have resolved themselves once I stopped picking the scabs and loved the skin.
As we watched the movie I turned to my wife and said that Rachel Weisz looks a lot like her and that the spunky character in The Constant Gardner reminded me of Tamara in college.
An Aside to Men everywhere: Never compare your wife / girlfriend to an actress. If you must compare, it is how an actress looks like them. They are perfection, the actress is an imitation.
Divorce: When it comes down to it very few people that Ive talked with are glad they got a divorce.
This past summer a member of my family left her husband and they are now divorced. I havent said much about it until now because I dont know what to say, and even now I dont want to say too much. Suffice it to say this escape turned into anything but. In the wake of this slow-speed train wreck no one in the family was left whole. It could have been much worse but the painful thing is that it could have been so so much better. As I look at pictures of the couple 8 months ago Im saddened beyond belief by what has been lost.
The reason for leaving her husband boiled down to: she wanted to be happy and she was tired of living her life for others. I cant tell you how many times Ive had those same thoughts. I suspect many have. The saddest thing in life is seeing people act on these emotions. It isnt sad that theyre being selfish (we all understand selfishness); whats sad is that theyre being stupid. Everyone in my family wanted her to be happy and appreciated all that she gave us and others. But when she left her husband to be happy living her life for herself she ended up being anything but happy and was left all alone (much of this loneliness is self-imposed out of shame – we did not ostracize her).
The scary thing is that I could have been her. In the Constant Gardner I could have been Justin Quayle and not appreciated my love until it was too late. Fortunately for me I didnt “escape to hell,” I havent lost my love and I have time to appreciate her.
And that is the best moral that any entry could have. Dont wait until love is lost to realize how much you love her. Live and love in the now.
Yes its cheesy, but cheesy is just another way of saying something that is so obviously true that no one can argue with it, so they dismiss it by saying its cheesy.
Appreciate those you love (and who love you) in the now. Dont wait for the reveal later in life to see all the love that you lost.
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