I’m not sorry. Sure its been over 3 weeks since my last entry, but in the big scheme of things this blog is very unimportant. I enjoy writing, and as my number one fan Ialso enjoy reading what I write, but beyond that this blog is hardly major media. Of course this brings up the question, when should a writer start to take himself seriously? When he IS a serious writer, or when he is serious about writing. In other words, this is a small start but that is how every mountain that was once a mole hill began. Don’t despise the day of small beginnings. Okay, you can if you want its not like I’m going to be keeping track.
Leaving for the Leaven. To really get this article its advisable to read my previous entry first (link) but that is only a suggestion. In my previous article I copped out at the end. The article was on my depression but it had a happy ending. A macabre ending, but funny. Why didn’t I just end it with some depressing self pitiying line like? “oh well, life sucks and then you die.”
The answer to that question was also one of the steps I took to get out of my depression. And the answer is: I didn’t want to be depressed. While I wasn’t going to fake my way out, or take some drug (legal or illegal) to mask it, I didn’t want to be depressed forever. So my “ending” betrayed my intention. See the good even in the bad. To disgrace my site with a “pat” cliche is not something I want to do, but I must… “your attitude determines your altitude.”
My personal opinion is that some people want to be depressed and bingo … wishes do come true. So for me to beat my depression I had to want to. During and after writing the previous article I had the want to. I also read the article (I am my number one fan – yes, it’s sad but I’m not going to dwell on that at the moment for the obvious reasons) and practiced what I preached.
I let go of my bitterness, forgave and refused to dwell on it.
While I still miss my students … well, I wont say too much on this since it is fodder for a future entry. Suffice to say I just don’t dwell on that. Going back to the grass is always greener… I’ll be teaching again soon enough, and I am hopeful that I’ll see my students again.
“Get to and Got to.” My dad used the expression on me at our recent reunion. And unlike so many things he tried to teach me, this lesson actually stuck. I get to play, feed, and take care of my kids. I get to get up at 7 am (even though I just went to bed at 2 am) and feed Abby. I get to. Sounds trite, but again taking the advice I throw at my students “Mr. Pfanstiel’s key to happiness in life is: Enjoy the stuff you’ve got to do anyway.” I can look at my summer employ (Mr. Mom) either way. Since my last entry I’ve chosen to look on it as a “Get to” and that has made a heck of a lot of difference.
The remaining issue that I didn’t mention in my previous entry but am now comfortable talking about is my own fear of failure. I have these dreams that I believe God has given and equipped me to accomplish. And while I love teaching, this is not my ultimate career. How to go from here to there is not so clear, but ironically that doesn’t bother me.
I hate ambiguities so I’ll divulge. I want to write and eventually produce films. Good, expensive blockbuster type films. The one I’m working on now is a Gladiator meets Chariots of Fire epic. Curious? Good, when I finish the script and register it I’ll send you a copy if you promise to give me feedback.
Anyway, I know there is nothing I can do to MAKE this dream happen. So much of it is beyond anything I can conjure up no matter how hard I tried. And I’m cool with that. In fact, after my research into church history the last thing I want to be a part of is “man made” attempt to bring God’s kingdom to fruition (i.e. The Crusades, Inquisition, Prohibition). If its going to happen I want it to be God doing it through me not me doing it for God. There’s a subtle but major difference in that last sentence that I’ll try to write about in the future.
So if its God’s responisibility then why am I afraid of failing? Aye, now here’s where my botched Calvinist/Armenian theological ancestory rears its double helix. I believe that God’s will will be accomplished through me if I am obedient to do what He asks. The sad fact is that I’ve not been obedient. I could defend myself with a thousand excuses but in the end as Dr. Morgan said at ORU, “an excuse is another word for failure.”
So my fear of failure is really regret for not being obedient. And do you know what? Since my last writing I’ve started to be obedient to what God has asked me to do (namely writing my scripts – hence no blog entries) and my depression got so bad it left.
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