The Philip Pfiles

07/20/10: 36th birthday remembered

Thanks for all the birthday notes. I had a great day. Called my mom (who had a SMALL part to play in my birth), played with my kids, prayed at church, planned my family's future, napped w/ my boys, dinner with my wife and posted on Facebook and my first post on my newly redesigned blog. Its been an awesome day - God is good!

08/06/09: Cleaning the Cracks that Crap Causes

Note from PAP: Please forgive my toilet language but there are only so many synonyms for poop...

My son, Luke, gets a diaper rash when he lets his poop sit in his pull-up for too long. My wife or I will notice the smell and ask Luke if he’s dirty. He responds quickly, “No I okay.” Then runs off and torments his sisters. We’ll check Gabe’s diaper and not finding the offending odorous source will chalk it up to gas, or secretly suspect the other of a SBD.

Later when Luke tackles us and puts his butt in our face or is up wind of our position we discover his lie. As a whipped... I mean, good husband I have changed my share of diapers. So I sit down with Luke and take off the biohazard. Sure enough the acids in the poop have started to eat at his butt flesh. Hence a classic diaper rash.

Now there are other means of diaper rash such as excema, or fungus, but (and there are many butts) in our house the most common form is the “sitting in poop too long” variety.

As I throw the spoilt diaper at the child slowest to react and flee, I yell “honey, could you throw this away for me.” Now I take a closer look at my son’s red butt and look into his teary eyes “No! Wipe! No Wipe!” I disobey and take out the wipe and start to remove the folliclly challenged dingle-berries (and yes I used this term correctly for once). He fights me and I have to wipe harder lest he spin about and escape while leaving a trail across my forearm, slacks and carpet (not that we’d notice the last stain).

After cleaning him off I apply a glob of diaper or anti-fungal cream I put on another pull up and warn him earnestly, “When you go poopy you need to tell daddy so I can clean it up so you don’t get any more rashes. Or better yet go in the toilet.”

Okay, that’s not what I say exactly. I misspelled one word in the previous paragraph, it should read “mommy.”

Luke nods, “Yes daddy!” and then returns to his job of joyfully tormenting Abby.

On a completely unrelated note (but soon to be snapped together):

Have you ever met anyone whose character just smelled? They talk to you and you can’t help but be repulsed by their negativity, attitude, ungratefulness, anger, etc... You name it, they just seem to be fermenting in shit.

What do you do? I’ll ask them nicely, “are you okay.” They’ll say “I’m okay” and then go share their crap with someone else. Later it becomes clear that they are full of shit and that this stuff is hurting their relationships, hurting you and especially hurting themselves. So what do you do? Do you come back and help them change or do you walk off and hope someone else will help them clean up?

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend,” King Solomon wrote in the book of Proverbs. Only a loving parent will change some of the waste that comes out of a toddler, while the toddler is screaming “I hate you!” and squirming to get away.

Only a true friend will confront someone who is sitting in shit and try to clean them up so they can heal. I did this recently with a friend of mine, and was verbally assaulted, accused, and criticized. It even cost me a great business opportunity. My crime was that I was honest with them and was trying to help them.

Looking at this friend’s life I don’t know of many people like myself that care about them and want to help (this person is similar to me in many ways). Most people are scared of this person’s rage (for good reason) and don’t want to hurt him/her so they avoid any confrontation. The end result is a little tyrant whose anger, bitterness and loneliness are all unnecessary. They can be such an intelligent, generous, thoughtful and creative person if people could get close to them, but the smell keeps people at a distance.

The temptation is to walk away and say that at least I tried. The problem is that the longer we allow our friends to sit in the “fruits of the crap” the longer and more difficult the journey back to a sanitary and sane state. True there are other caustic causes in people’s lives that we can’t fix, but we can help with the all too common “sitting in poop too long” variety.

Now there is a place for grace and gentleness when correcting a friend. You can wipe gently and use wet wash-cloths instead of bristle pads. You can also apply a generous layer of cream to the post operative area. But no matter how you do it, it its going to be uncomfortable and painful for the person you are trying to help and yourself.

The good news is that when its over your friend will be grateful (eventually) and may even go in the toilet the next time.

07/29/08: The Cribs Oxen Make

aka: An Ode to a Messy House

My kids are a mess. My kids are loud. My kids are immature. Picky. Moody.

My kids are too much like me...

But my kids are also kind. Caring. Compassionate. Insightful. Full of life. Crazy Fun. Beautiful.

I wish I were more like my kids.

Eight years ago today my wife and I welcomed our first born Nathaniel into the world in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

This past February I attended my 10 year college reunion and it was like I was looking into one of my previous lives. So much of who I am and what defines me has changed over the past 2/3rd of a dozen years ago (big families count in dozens simply for the shock value).

But children are messy. They mess up everything... if done right. Which leads me to the following line of logic:

Passion brings life. Life is messy. Passion is messy.

I don’t know if the syllogism works (yes, syllogism is a new word I learned so I’m trying to use it a dozen times so I don’t forget ... what was I talking about?). But here is my logic...

Children are a product of passion. I won’t go into details since this is a family site (sorta). So much of life is like this if you think about it. We follow our passions first (whether it be love, career, ministry or sports team) and think of the cost later, if we ever do really consider it.

For too long I’ve viewed my children as weights that have held me back from pursuing my real dreams. If it were up to me my life would be completely different. It would be so much more cleaner, “successful” and ... empty. It would suck.

And what’s worse is, I wouldn’t even know it. I wrote awhile back that “we never weep over the children that were never conceived.” That comment has haunted me.

I prayed a dozen years ago that God would glorify himself at my expense. Bad prayer to pray if you want a comfortable life. Great prayer if you want your prayers to be answered.

Fortunately, God had his hand in this delay / redirection.

My prayer now is not for success or for my dreams to come true but for His will and dreams to come true. And while I’ve longed to produce great theatric masterpieces, God has instead opened up a whole new production line that is infinitely more valuable, beautiful and meaningful.

Ironically, many of my other prayers have also been answered in ways I didn’t expect. For years I’ve wanted friends that would play RTS games with me like I used to have in college.

Yesterday I took my son to the store to buy a video game for his birthday. He then picked the one video game (Stronghold Legends) that I had had my own eye (but hadn’t purchased because of time constraints) out of hundreds of titles available and we spent hours playing together today.

I’ve also longed for a fan base that would faun over every story, quip and line that spills from my patriarchal mouth.

Now my kids beg me every night to tell them stories. Early this summer I spent four weeks giving them one of my fantasy stories a chapter at a time. Now they want me to tell the next story, and I’m not ready. I can finally say that I now have more fans than I know what to do with.

One of my favorite proverbs is the one that reads “where no oxen is the crib is clean.” Basically, its easy to keep a barn clean if there aren’t any animals in it. I have seen too many of my friends live antiseptically clean lives and have spotless houses and be the poorer for it. My wife makes a mess and my kids love her for it (and I do too once I get past my fit of OCD). Many judge our house, our five children and our own weary smiles and say “how do they do it?” whilst thinking “thank God, we don’t have to do that.”

I thank God that I do get to do it. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Except I’d like to make it an even eight (one more biological and a sibling set from an African orphanage), but I’m holding all of my plans loosely lest my plans block God’s dream for me and my family.

Besides once the house reaches a certain level of disaster any additional destruction is actually rebuilding... right?

In conclusion to this wandering toddler of an essay. That is how life is in a house full of children. Messy but meaningful. Loud but lively. Crazy but creative. Wild and Wonderful.

Link to my wonderful and beautiful wife’s blog and a photo of our family.

04/01/07: The April Fool

Today my son made a fool of me.

My wife had some of her friends from out of town come visit us today and we had a BBQ. Between the three families there were 12 kids and they played very well together. It made me especially glad that I had purchased some fun noodles as that was the most popular toy. Why beating the tar out of each other with three foot long foam pads makes children feel so close to each other is still beyond me, but beat each other and become close they did.

When it was time for one family to leave (who stopped here on their way to Nevada) my son, Nathan, wanted to give his new friend some matchbox cars. My wife told him he could, so he gave two matchbox cars to one of the boys in the family. The boy loved the cars so I told Nathan he could give them all some toys if he wanted to. He was very excited and yelled for them not to leave as he sped back into the house looking for some toys to give them.

In the toy room I directed him toward the huge pile of cars that we have. He told me that he wanted to give them different toys and immediately went to his knights and castle toys and grabbed a couple guys. I redirected him to the cars and suggested he give them all some cars since we had so many of them.

"Daddy, they’ll love these toys," Nathan said. "I know because I love these toys so much." With that he grabbed a couple of his knight toys and ran out to the car to give his favorite toys away "because they’ll like them."

In the end our home was short four cars and two knights that we will never miss. In return my son taught me a valuable lesson and role modeled for me what selfless love is all about.

Do I give my best, or what I have extra of? When I give, do I give from the heart, or in attempt to look like I care?

My son gave his best because he truly wanted to bless his new friends (and friends he may never see again) with toys that they would really like. They couldn’t, and probably will never repay him this act of kindness and he didn’t even consider this. My son made a fool of me, and I’m glad he did. I just hope that someday I can stop playing the fool.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." Jim Elliott

02/27/07: Birth Control, IUDs, "Hand Drawn Diagrams" and other cursings in disguise

I find it easy to write about stuff I know nothing about. It comes with the territory of earning my BS degree in Journalism.

But my kids... I find it hard to write about them. Nothing I conjure up seems to do justice to the lives that fill my heart with joy every day when I come home and have them ankle tackle me. The pride I take with every new step (Luke), rambling story (Nate), spontaneous song about a pink kitty (Anna), and carefully extracted booger (Abby) makes me grieve at the thought of NOT having them in my life.

You don't cry over the kids you never conceive. But maybe you should.

This past Sunday a friend at church asked me as I was carrying out my two princesses if I had ever heard of birth control. I smiled and replied "the Bible says children are a blessing" and besides "we've asked God how many He wants us to have and he hasn't told us to stop yet."

Its funny because we are currently in a church wide drive to manage our finances according to scripture (Crown Financial Ministry is our source for materials and is a great tool). One of the examples the book uses is about the Knights Templar and how they would keep their sword out of the water as they were being baptized. The idea being while every area of their life was in the service of God, their sword was exempted from obeying God. The connection Crown makes is that many Christians serve God with their lives but hold their wallets out of the water.

I think we hold a lot more than that out of the waters of obedience (which is the whole point of baptism).

If this were my class I'd ask for volunteers to make the connection for me before I spell CAT.

Yes... go ahead....

Right, Joe Bob. Our Children. So much of our identity, security, fulfillment and effort is tide up in our children or our lack of children.

The other day as we were talking about where they wanted to be when they were 30 a student lamented that "once you have kids the fun is over."

Question? Where did that student hear such crap?

No wonder so many kids are selfish, cold hearted and shallow - they just want to be like their parents. What do we communicate to our kids when we can't handle or afford more than two (but we can afford a brand new car and a 50 inch plasma TV)? When we can't wait till they're out of our house so we can get back to the life we enjoyed before they were born? Children pick up on our attitude toward them. You sure did when you were growing up. You picked up on the unspoken. You heard what they said but did what they did. Is the next generation not going to do the same?

"Children are a blessing." - God.

It saddens me that so many of my friends take medicines to prevent pregnancy like they take the flu shot. It grieves me that people that would be excellent parents decide not to have children so they can try to save the children neglected by others. Where is the sense in that?

It makes me wonder about the viability of Evangelical Christianity when the only people that have large families are Catholics and Mormons. I won't impugn the motives of either of these stalwart religions (judging by their fruit they've both done more good then their detractors would like to concede) but wouldn't it be a great world if God's children had children for the right reasons. Not because they had no other choice, or to fill up their future celestial kingdom, but because they DID have a choice and decided to trust God with his greatest blessing: life.

I for one will never grieve over the children we never conceived. They greet me every day when I come through the door. God has filled up our house with joy and life and that more abundantly. Luckily for me I was too dumb to know how it happens.

01/21/07: ... Brought to you by the word TRUST and the number 5

The last four years of mine have started with a word from God. These words that I feel that God gives me are not a WORD as in the book of Ezekiel but a word as in one word.

In 2004 God impressed upon me to be obedient to what He had called me to do. And at this time this obedience was in normal / average stuff like job, family, writing and community. The call to be the king of the world would have to wait.

In 2005 the word I felt was to be disciplined in my obedience. When I call my son and he comes to me slightly faster than a glacier he is technically being obedient but not very disciplined in that obedience.

Seeing as I'm a slow learner the next year's word was Focus. As in "stay focused on the call and be obedient in a disciplined way and FOCUS on that incoming glacier before it runs you over!"

So as 2007 was coming round the bend I started to wonder what the word was going to be. I began to assume that the word would be resist. As in "Philip you're not focusing, you're not being disciplined in your obedience (though you are heading slowly in the right direction) and the biggest reason is because you aren't resisting distractions and temptations."

But seeing as this word is from God and not from my subconscious I could never get a peace that that was what God wanted. Instead I got the word TRUST. I resisted this word and entered the new year a little up in the air on what God wanted the theme of this year to be.

For New Year's I went to a happening party with Nate at a friends house and when I finally came to bed around 3 am there was a note in the bathroom from Tamara, next to a positive pregnancy test, that read "congratulations! How about PJ?"

So Trust. Very funny. Suffice it to say we weren't trying and this is a complete surprise for us. I was wanting to wait at least another year before trying again. But God wants me to trust Him. Okay, I will.

Which in a round about way brings me to the point of this entry; do we trust God? Or more specifically do you trust God?

In America our money says "In God we Trust" but I think we trust more in the money (despite the fact that it is made of cotton - at least the Israelite's idol was made of gold). And when it comes to children so many family, friends and coworkers of mine trust in the Pill or surgery before they trust in God.

I'm not trying to be judgmental. In fact I wish that we could take charge of our family and its ever enlarging size so as to prevent the constant uncomfortable growth. Which is more uncomfortable for Tamara then for me but you wouldn't know this if you heard me whine.

The dilemma is simple: I asked God a question; How many children do you want us to have? And this is the honest answer that I give to many who ask me if Tamara and I are done. The problem is He hasn't told me how many. All I know is that I have a peace about this next child and am trusting that He'll communicate clearly to us when its time to stop. BTW we are also planning on adopting at some point when our kids are a little older.

Now trusting God with the size of our family has been an uncomfortable thought for me. Because to be honest I would have been very happy and content with four. The problem is I asked and He's answering. So I'm being obedient in disciplining/training my children and focusing on my family and through it all I'm having to trust that He knows what He is doing.

I can already hear some of the doctors in my family going "God gave you a mind and medicine is a gift from God, use both and be reasonable."

And they are right. I'm not saying what Tamara and I are doing is for everyone. If you want an out stop here and read no further. You've been warned.

The problem is we've noticed a couple disturbing trends and have come across some disturbing information.

The information is that the Birth Control Pill actually results in aborting about 5-15% of fertilized eggs by not allowing them to implant. We feel that life is precious and begins at conception so for us using the pill would be morally wrong. Tamara knows a lot more about this then me so if you want more info contact her and she'll be glad to share (tamara@pfanstiel.com). We have tried NFP (Natural Family Planning) but that basically means for us we can plan to add to our family every 18 months or so.

As far as snip-snip. I'm not opposed to it and would be willing to do this if this is what God wanted us to do. But neither of us have a peace about this surgery so this option is effectively cut short.

The second, is something I've noticed and will comment on briefly today and more extensively on later. Children are treated like an inconvenience in our society. They are a responsibility and a liability and nothing more. I've known too many people (many of them Godly people that I respect) that reject the blessing of children because it would impede their ministry or calling. I struggled with this for awhile myself. Many of you may know that I earned a Masters of Communication in Film Production but am now a 6th grade teacher. What gives? Well God gave me a family. And far from distracting me from achieving my calling I believe and am trusting that God is using this time to develop my skills and character so that when I do return to film I'll do so with something worth communicating.

Besides this I wouldn't trade my teaching experiences these past 6 years for 6 Oscar winning films. Now at some point I feel like God will be moving me on but I'm in no hurry to jump to the grass on the other side. God has me here for a reason and I'm enjoying every moment and experience.

So about children; are they a blessing (which is what God calls them in the Bible) or are they a liability? If they are a liability then it is right and reasonable to limit your exposure to them to keep your bottom line in the black. But if they are a blessing then the more the merrier. Again I will be revisiting this topic later with some of my thoughts as a proud father to 4 young children (and 1 on the way).

Interestingly, the view of children as a blessing or a liability rubs off on the children themselves. I've seen and witnessed so many families that are barely able to survive with two spoilt rotten brats for children. While I've witnessed first hand a family with 13 children who are the best behaved kids I've ever know (and smart and talented to boot). As for Tamara and I our children are blessings and because of this attitude they pick up on it, view themselves as a wanted blessing and are and will be a blessing to society and the world.

In the end there is a basic question that I feel far too many American Christians are afraid to ask themselves: "Are children a blessing from God and can we trust God enough to receive what He wants to bless us with?" For those who honestly seek Him, God will answer and the answer won't be the same for everyone. Some may have a dozen and some may have none. But wouldn't you feel better knowing you had fully opened this area of your life up to the Lord? It is hard, but I am so thankful that at least in this area I'm being obedient and am trusting God with my family.

12/20/06: Fighting Gandhi for the Title

Over the last few months I have been given the saddest, most depressing compliment that I have ever heard. I think people meant well when they gave it to me, but they will never know just how much it hurt. The compliment? "You should get an award for the best father in the world."

Oh, who am I kidding? I loved the compliment and it really made me feel good. And not to toot my own horn, but I’ve had a number of people tell me what a wonderful dad I am and how blessed my wife and kids are to have me.

The problem, between you and me, is that I’m not that good of a dad. I have a lot of warts. I get frustrated and snappy at my kids. I’m self-centered and can be harsh. And that’s about it. Okay, I don’t have a lot of warts - but I do have some.

The reason that my nomination for "Best Dad" is so depressing is twofold. First, if I’m in consideration for this prestigious award then it really must have been a lean year for fatherhood. It’s like nominating Eisenhower, Chamberlain or De Gaulle for the best statesmen of the 20th century. Yeh, they were okay, but where are FDR, Churchill and Gandhi? In other words, I sure hope there are better fathers out there then me. Second, since I am being considered for this fictitious award I must query why isn’t there such an award? We have an award for everything else it seems. We have entire record books for who can shove the most needles up their nose or who can kick pigs the farthest (63 yards apparently) but we have no recognition for the best father. Lamentable really ... because I really want to win something. Its been a long dry spell since I last won an award (5th grade little league baseball team to be precise).

Now before I go too far I must mention that when an award for Best Father of the Year is created there must also be an award for Best Mother of the Year. With all due respect and not to disparage the job that mothers are doing but do you really need an award?

I mean, let’s be honest, you are already doing a great job. It’s the men in our society that are failing as fathers. They are great at "popping" in and out and siring the next generation but being a father is something they really stink at. So they need a goal, a standard if you will. Something to shoot for. Men are naturally competitive and maybe if being a good father brought with it some recognition, a record book and a late night time slot on ESPN 4, men would eat it up.

"Today the Best Father in the World competition is heating up. Ludvig really mastered the last round with his amazing 27 changed diapers while preparing dinner."

"You’re right Herb, but that dinner didn’t earn him any points with our panel of judges."

"Yes, and our thoughts are with our judges and we’ll keep you informed once we hear from the hospital. Now for our next competition we will be seeing our five finalist handle three tasks simultaneously. It is officially called the Tri-Challenge but the contestants have nicknamed it the ‘Mommy’s night out.’ "

Aside: Where is The NFL Hall of Fame? What about MLB’s Hall of Fame? The NBA’s Hall of Fame? What about the National Teachers Hall of Fame?

If you said Emporia, Kansas then you must’ve gotten lost when driving through Kansas. No one, except residents of Emporia, should know about this Hall of Fame.

To state my rhetorical question succinctly: Why are the most important roles in society; fathers and mothers and teachers, the ones that are least recognized? Of course, I know why but allow me the chance to mourn our skewed priorities.

And its not only the fact that they are unrecognized. Actually I am going to take this opportunity to disagree with my own conclusion. I don’t think it has a lot to do with recognition (though some recognition wouldn’t hurt). I think it has to do with expectation. We have very low expectations of fathers.

I change diapers willingly and people label me a saint. I feed, clothe, watch, play, bathe and put to bed my own four children and I’m perceived as super human. I take my kids to church by myself (when Tamara is working or sick) and people are aghast as if I am an apparition. But have I really done anything that great? Shouldn’t this be what we expect from every man who is man enough to be a father?

Sadly we all know that that is not what we expect. In our society a woman is lucky if all her children have the same dad. Luckier still if this man is also her husband. Downright freakishly lucky if this marriage is a permanent one. And we aren’t even talking about what kind of dad he is.

I’d be morbidly curious to do a filter test on all the dads in the US. Filter out the ones who are absent or non-involved in the child’s life. Actually just throw those losers out. Then filter out the fathers who are present in body, but uninvolved emotionally or mentally with their kids. Take away those men who expect to work all day and then let the wife work all night taking care of the kids (despite the fact that she’s been working all day as well - be it a job or caring for the children). How many fathers would we be left with? 10 ... 20 ... maybe 30%?

"Okay, Mr. Wizard, you’ve diagnosed the obvious problem in our society. We already knew that the art of fatherhood was being lost. So what do you suggest we do about it?"

Alright I shall put forth my humble suggestion.

Chastity belts. Or in our day an age: Moral Training of Sons and Daughters, Place High Expectations for your Children and Role Model these same High Expectations Yourself, and Eternal Vigilance.

In other words parental, familial and cultural chastity belts (I’m not, of course, endorsing actual chastity belts, but rather certain metaphorical constraints to protect purity). Make it difficult for our children to have sex before marriage. Some will still find a way, but I think by making it so easy for our young people to have sex it is like putting money in front of a kleptomaniac. Who knows? Some young people will respond to the challenge of purity and seek and succeed in waiting until marriage. Despite what so many voices say, it can be done and is done more often than many are willing to admit (maybe because sinners love company - if I get everybody else into the mud with me then I’m not so dirty).

"So what does this tangent have to do with being a good father?"

Thanks for the redirection, my internal nag, but sex has everything to do with being a father. In an effort to wrap up this article I’ll summarize it below and expound upon it in a later entry.

Baby becomes boy. Boy notices girl. Boy is trained to respect girl. Girl matures. Boy is trained to control his own urges. Boy respects girl and controls his own urges. Boy matures. Man develops solid relationship with lady based on mutual likes, interests, dreams and desires and not on temporal physical attraction. Man develops himself through education and time until he is ready to be the leader of a family. Man proposes to lady. They marry. Man respects himself, man respects his lady. Together they start a family. Man matures into the role of a father. Man respects himself, man respects his lady, man respects his children. Man is a good father. The marriage lasts until death parts them and the children mature and become great fathers and mothers of their own families. Everyone wins.

Sound too simple? Probably is but there is a lot of truth in simplicity. Let’s follow a slight variation that will represent all the other possible variations that deviate from the tried and true.

Baby becomes a boy. Boy notices girl. Boy is NOT trained to respect girl. Girl matures physically. Boy can NOT control his urges so while he matures physically he does NOT mature emotionally and mentally. Boy and girl become sexually active. At some point a child is conceived and given life. Boy feels trapped in a relationship with a girl he hardly knows. He has seen others run (like his own father did) so he chooses to stay even though he feels trapped. He has little respect for himself, even less for his baby’s mommy (whom he feels did all of this to get her claws into him) and so he takes it out on his child. And while this boy never runs away and is there physically by providing and even marrying the children’s mother, he never does mature enough to embrace completely himself, his lady and their family. The man is a better father than many others so he is satisfied with mediocrity. This marriage lasts until the kids are old enough and then the father runs off to find himself. His boys are not trained, and his daughters are now eager to get a man that will fill the void that their father never filled. Everyone loses but at least in this case it wasn’t a blow out. Many others are.

So is it that simple? Yes and No. I’m sure you are thinking of a thousand ways that its not that simple. So I’ll argue for the yes. If a man can’t respect and control his own body how can he ever respect and lead others including his own children? So why are we teaching our children that sex is natural and that they should just do what feels good? Sex is natural, but so is fire and they both must be controlled or instead of giving life they will destroy it.

BTW: Don’t feel sorry for my children. They will be taught this and many more life lessons as they grow and mature. But that is what fathers are supposed to do; raise and father their children. I’d appreciate your vote for the World’s Greatest Father. Unless, of course, Gandhi is on the ballot.

05/27/06: Right.... What you know

I've written about a lot on my website. Most of the time what I write is, for a lack of a better word ... undereducated. I don't have a lot of experience in many of the areas that I write about. This doesn't stop me from voicing my opinion but it does limit my credibility on these diverse topics.

Now the reason I haven't written in over two months is because I am an expert or at least experienced on two topics; raising children and teaching. Ironically, these are the topics I talk about the least.

I am hesitant to share many teaching anecdotes because of student confidentiality and I really like my job and don't want to lose it because I said something stupid on my blog. I'm intending to write more about my teaching experiences and lessons but will be very careful about what I say.

Now when it comes to raising children I am becoming somewhat more mature. My fourth child, Luke Churchill, was born on March 29th which explains much of the absence. The other was the end of my school year - more on this later in the next article.

In regards to lessons and stories about my children I'm not worried about legal issues, on this I'm more concerned with the glut of parenting advice and drought of sound advice. Everyone has an opinion and when it comes to children everyone has had some experience ergo the amount of opinions on children are bottomless.

I'm hesitant to write about raising children because so many others have gone before me and their opinion and advice stinks. So what makes me think mine will be any better?

Saya tidak tau (I no know). Of course I think my parenting is good, otherwise I would change it. I'm not going to hold to an obviously bad parenting style just because its mine. But my children are young and I'm not going to use them to support my claim as a good parent. One, its not right to treat children like resume items, second and more practically, as soon as I do they will do something hideous and bite a teacher or something. Oh wait, Nate's already done that.

So in the coming summer months there will be a lot of entries on parenting and teaching because these are the things in which I have expereince and some measure of success. But will these articles be the perfect compedium to Aesop's Fables or the book of Proverbs? Only time will tell, because if I told you they would be, I'd already lose what little credibility I have.

05/27/06: Right.... What you know

I’ve written about a lot on my website. Most of the time what I write is, for a lack of a better word ... undereducated. I don’t have a lot of experience in many of the areas that I write about. This doesn’t stop me from voicing my opinion but it does limit my credibility on these diverse topics.

Now the reason I haven’t written in over two months is because I am an expert or at least experienced on two topics; raising children and teaching. Ironically, these are the topics I talk about the least.

I am hesitant to share many teaching anecdotes because of student confidentiality and I really like my job and don’t want to lose it because I said something stupid on my blog. I’m intending to write more about my teaching experiences and lessons but will be very careful about what I say.

Now when it comes to raising children I am becoming somewhat more mature. My fourth child, Luke Churchill, was born on March 29th which explains much of the absence. The other was the end of my school year - more on this later in the next article.

In regards to lessons and stories about my children I’m not worried about legal issues, on this I’m more concerned with the glut of parenting advice and drought of sound advice. Everyone has an opinion and when it comes to children everyone has had some experience ergo the amount of opinions on children are bottomless.

I’m hesitant to write about raising children because so many others have gone before me and their opinion and advice stinks. So what makes me think mine will be any better?

Saya tidak tau (I no know). Of course I think my parenting is good, otherwise I would change it. I’m not going to hold to an obviously bad parenting style just because its mine. But my children are young and I’m not going to use them to support my claim as a good parent. One, its not right to treat children like resume items, second and more practically, as soon as I do they will do something hideous and bite a teacher or something. Oh wait, Nate’s already done that.

So in the coming summer months there will be a lot of entries on parenting and teaching because these are the things in which I have expereince and some measure of success. But will these articles be the perfect compedium to Aesop’s Fables or the book of Proverbs? Only time will tell, because if I told you they would be, I’d already lose what little credibility I have.

03/04/06: Losing Love

or a review of The Constant Gardner

There is only one thing wrong with this movie, and that is the title. Everything else is pitch perfect. Too perfect really. So haunting that I can’t stop thinking about it even though I watched it days ago.

The Constant Gardner has dug deep into my soul and opened up the vault that is nearest and dearest to me and so therefore the most guarded.

Love. Especially the lose of love. In this vault have gone other books (Bridge to Terebithia), films (Dr. Zhivago, Braveheart, Prizzi’s Honor), and music (Billy Sprague’s Torn Between Two Worlds) that have dealt with the lose of love.

As I’ve processed and contemplated the film it has stirred into this vault and is uncovering so many raw emotions. I suspect that we all have these emotions of love, longing and lose. I’ve tried to train myself through writing (such as this entry) to welcome such uncomfortable thoughts so that I can process and grow from them (even still it is never enjoyable).

Deep down I’m still a very sensitive pre-teen. I can still feel the depression, denial and hollowness that I experienced 20 years ago when I read Bridge to Terebithia.

Aside: I’ve heard that they are making this book into a movie. If so they should hire the complete cast and crew from the Constant Gardner. Maybe Rachel Weisz could play Jesse’s art teacher. I don’t know who you could cast for Jesse and Leslie but they should be unknown actors. If they cast Dakatoh Fanning then I will boycott Hollywood for ever. And I’M SERIOUS.

There are three questions that I’m contemplating in regards to lost love. The hardest (and one I cannot pretend to answer) is the why. Why is the lose of love so debilitating? Why does it hurt so much (even and especially when it isn’t even real [all of the examples in paragraph three are fictional except for the death of Billy Sprague’s fiancee])? Why does our heart ache? Why do we form these emotional attachments anyway? Is there some deeper love story that inspires our weak attempts to recreate and live it?

Aside (yes I like asides): Love creates a major crack in Evolutionary Theory. Love serves no function in "Survival of the Fittest" in fact Love has the opposite effect. And yet we are all wired to embrace, respond and long for love. No animal dwells on love like we do.

The second question is how does one tap into this Lost Love emotion? As a writer a number of my stories attempt to tap into this emotion. None of them do this well... yet.

In one of my scripts I decided to have the wife of the protagonist die in child birth. Now this is my own story (though it is based on a true story) and I could do whatever I want with Olivia. But no matter how I rework the material to keep her alive it seems her death is unavoidable and it has affected me. Even now I’m thinking of some way to keep her alive.

I wonder what Randall Wallace, the author of Braveheart, was thinking when he had William Wallace’s wife killed in the first act. Did Katherine Patterson try to keep Leslie from drowning?

I don’t know about them, but I don’t want even my own made up characters to experience the lose of love.

The third question and most practical. How do we keep from losing love?

In the Constant Gardner (I’ll try not to tell more than the jacket does) Justin’s wife Tessa is killed and he goes on a search to find out why. In the first act there is no love lost when Tessa is killed. The marriage was a sham. Then the big reveal and all of a sudden this sham of a marriage is now a tragic love story. One of the recurring questions that Justin asks is "why didn’t you tell me Tessa?" A question that I’ve often asked my wife but I won’t go into that now (yet another entry in 10 years maybe).

In life they never fully connected and only after her death does he finally realize how much he loved her and she loved him.

Dude, if Rachel Weisz doesn’t win the Oscar tomorrow night then I’m boycotting Hollywood for another lifetime.

Answer: Appreciate each other. The question: How do we keep from losing love?

A couple of years ago my wife, Tamara, and I were going through a rough patch. During this time the idea of divorce, or some other escape from this marriage, kept blinking like a red exit sign in the back of my mind. One day I felt God telling me to consider the option of divorce. I believe that divorce isn’t God’s will for any marriage so I refused to consider it fully but kept it as some magical cure all pill tucked away next to my Lost Love vault. So when God told me to consider it I was taken aback.

Once I really considered divorce and all that divorce would mean for my wife, myself and our children (unmeasurable pain, loneliness, rejection, depression, the lose of my best friend - not to mention the financial shipwreck it would leave) it quickly turned from some escape valve into an entrance to hell on earth.

My dad once told me that the key to a long marriage is two. Only two. Once a third person is introduced (either through emotional or actual adultery) then the two stop working to fix and keep the marriage whole. One may still be trying but the other has already detached. Which leads to the best advice a counselor ever gave us: Stay engaged. Sometimes our engagements turn into major battles of attrition but we have stayed engaged nonetheless.

Since that rough patch I’ve started to reconsider my wife. Instead of dwelling on the negative I’ve looked at the positive and I’ve become smitten with her all over again. Truly love believes the best, ignores faults and appreciates what it has. Amazingly many of the issues that I fixated on have resolved themselves once I stopped picking the scabs and loved the skin.

As we watched the movie I turned to my wife and said that Rachel Weisz looks a lot like her and that the spunky character in The Constant Gardner reminded me of Tamara in college.

An Aside to Men everywhere: Never compare your wife / girlfriend to an actress. If you must compare, it is how an actress looks like them. They are perfection, the actress is an imitation.

Divorce: When it comes down to it very few people that I’ve talked with are glad they got a divorce.

This past summer a member of my family left her husband and they are now divorced. I haven’t said much about it until now because I don’t know what to say, and even now I don’t want to say too much. Suffice it to say this escape turned into anything but. In the wake of this slow-speed train wreck no one in the family was left whole. It could have been much worse but the painful thing is that it could have been so so much better. As I look at pictures of the couple 8 months ago I’m saddened beyond belief by what has been lost.

The reason for leaving her husband boiled down to: she wanted to be happy and she was tired of living her life for others. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had those same thoughts. I suspect many have. The saddest thing in life is seeing people act on these emotions. It isn’t sad that they’re being selfish (we all understand selfishness); what’s sad is that they’re being stupid. Everyone in my family wanted her to be happy and appreciated all that she gave us and others. But when she left her husband to be happy living her life for herself she ended up being anything but happy and was left all alone (much of this loneliness is self-imposed out of shame - we did not ostracize her).

The scary thing is that I could have been her. In the Constant Gardner I could have been Justin Quayle and not appreciated my love until it was too late. Fortunately for me I didn’t "escape to hell," I haven’t lost my love and I have time to appreciate her.

And that is the best moral that any entry could have. Don’t wait until love is lost to realize how much you love her. Live and love in the now.

Yes its cheesy, but cheesy is just another way of saying something that is so obviously true that no one can argue with it, so they dismiss it by saying its cheesy.

Appreciate those you love (and who love you) in the now. Don’t wait for the reveal later in life to see all the love that you lost.