The Philip Pfiles

03/14/10: Addicted to the Inconsequential. No more?

There is a saying that writers have to write. I disagreed with this when I was a read writer. Now that I write for an audience of one (and I’m not counting God since He isn’t as egotistical as my reader) I realize the truth of the statement. I write because I have to. The fact that it is put on the internet in the guise of a blog that has the “potential” to be read by millions makes it sound less pathetic, but the reality is that I have to write.

Course, if this is true then why haven’t I written anything since last August? My reader posts a good question. He already knows the answer, but to rub it in his face, the reason I haven’t yet written my book is well because of ... Facebook. Namely games like Mafia Wars, Farmville and now I’ve joined another endeavor called Kingdoms of Camelot. Never has so much been done by so many for so little. Some of the most addictive and inconsequential activities one can waste one’s life on and feel justified in doing so (I do reference John 3:16 on my farm in Farmville and practiced crop rotation in accordance with scripture - I would say I tithed, but God might strike my little farmer down with lighting).

I wrote a few years ago about artificial achievement. How we all want to achieve something great with our lives. How we want to be apart of something bigger than ourselves. Some find this as sports fans, others in the “second lives” of video games (this includes Facebook in my estimation), some in gossip (also a Facebook staple) and others in preferring others above themselves through service, prayer and charity. The first three are a waste of our time and talent, only the last will survive past the reboot.

It’s this last thought that leads me to this article. I’ve been bemoaning my lack of time to anyone who will listen and finding no one I’ve vented my frustrations to my wife. While it is true that I’m a busy boy: I spend 50-60 hours a week as a teacher, have 5 children whose lives I’m very active in, do my fair share of the household chores, am active in my church, and on top of this work 10 hours a week with the production company that I started. The truth is I also am capable of wasting time as effectively as the best of them (ie. bums). In addition to Facebook and FB games, I watch way too much TV, movies and ... actually that about sums up the four horsemen of my time apocalypse. Speaking of which I need to update my kingdom. And I’m not even kidding.

I’ve been struggling for years with this juggling act and have noticed a paradox. When I’m super busy doing what I should be doing I don’t complain about my lack of time. It is only when I have time and am wasting it that I moan about how much time I don’t have. Tonight, it was brought to my attention (and I don’t mean to name drop but he’s the only famous person I know) by God that I am not a wise steward of my time. I’ve prayed for, and have sought to free up more time so I could devote it to Catacomb Films (my production company) but until I am faithful in the little then I won’t be ruler over much.

My consistent erraticism when it comes to time management is something I must have mastery over if I’m ever to go from a dreamer to a visionary. In the meantime I’ll leave you with three quotes from my iPod playlist and my other reader.

“Don’t let me trade the eternal for the things that are passing.” Rich Mullins
“Time is tickin’ away.” dc Talk
“Lord, make my life a prayer to you, I wanna do what you want me to, no empty words, no white lies, no token prayers, no compromise.” Keith Green
“He who is faithful in little, will be made ruler over much.” Jesus

08/20/09: My Superior Inferiority Complex

I have a great inferiority complex. In fact, I have the best inferiority complex in the world. In my honest opinion... wait, what’s that? You have a better inferiority complex? Yeh, you’re probably right. Mine isn’t that good. Actually, I don’t even know what complex is. And I believe I imply and you infer, so I don’t even think I used that word right. You got me.

My confidence is weird. In some ways I have too much. My wife teases me that I think I can do anything - blame my parents, they told me I could do whatever I put my mind to. Makes me fume at how they handicapped me. :) But when it comes to relationships I assume that people don’t like me until proven otherwise. :(

I remember cornering a childhood friend of mine and asking him if I was his best friend. Now, he hadn’t seen me in two years and we haven’t seen each other since, but he said I was his best friend. 2nd graders are so gullible. Nice kid though. If he had told me I wasn’t his best friend I don’t know how I would have reacted. Probably sucked my thumb, pouted and then called my wife and cried.

Actually I was in 2nd grade (and not married), but I couldn’t resist the dumb joke.

Facebook presents another challenge. I have a great memory, so if I “friend” someone and they don’t approve it I know it, even though Facebook doesn’t rub the rejection in your face. I don’t “friend” a lot of people. In fact most of my Facebook friends were people that asked me to be their friend. But there are a few people that I’ve “friended” and got rejected.

Reminds me of a website idea I have. It’s called fartbook. But I digress ... or regress.

I yearn for acceptance, but grab a hold of the faintest scent of rejection. I don’t know why God has made me so sensitive. In many ways I see it as a major handicap for me professionally. I assume people will say no to my ideas, writings, videos, etc... so I rarely attempt the sell. And when I do and get rejected I do another couple spins in the neurotic cycle. As you may infer I’m in one of those cycles right now.

But I’m also impulsively persistent. So while I get knocked down by the slightest hint of rejection, I also bounce right back up. Kind of like a very drunk Weebul-wobble.

I know that God has made me sensitive to rejection. Having been rejected and felt rejection I tend to be better at recognizing it in other people and reaching out to them. I think this has been something I’ve been good at in my teaching career. Whether the loner on the playground, the quiet kid in the back, the difficult child who just needs someone to challenge and believe in him, or the substitute teacher - I try to make them all feel important and that they belong.

So here’s the profound advice my pastor once told me that I employ when I get into one of these funks. Talk to yourself. When we listen to our emotions, our fears, our hurts we tend not to make the right choices. When we speak to ourselves from the truth we know deep down (like say from that dusty book named Holly Bib Le) we tend to make better and more lasting decisions.

For instance, for every rejection that I’ve received I have received a number of acceptances (dude, I need an editor). As I mentioned a lot of people have requested that I be their friend. In fact if you’re reading this you may have been one of the half dozens that requested that I be your friend. Wow. Either you hit the wrong button, or you like me. You really really kind of like me... sorta. So I can concentrate on the few rejections (my personal preference) or I can look at the cool (and by cool I mean those that like me therefore defined as “cool”) people that didn’t reject me. My wife. My family. My friends. My cool co-workers . I even have former students that “friended” me (BTW: I won’t seek out former students, but will accept if they seek me out - I feel weird stalking former students... I mean I don’t stalk former... nevermind).

And for every person that I sent my video (“On a Level Playing Field”) to that is currently using it as a coaster, door stop or have thrown it in a box with all the old AOL CDs, there have been a number of people who have watched the video, given me feedback and even invested in my company. I still vacillate between thinking the video is great and thinking it stinks. Noone has told me it stinks, I just assume that if they don’t respond its because they think it stinks and don’t want to hurt my feelings. Maybe I should reframe that as “if they don’t respond, they must be jealous because its so good and they wish they had made it.” Yeh, I think I’ll start doing that.

So as I listen to me talk to myself I’m inferring that what I’m saying is that we can feel rejected or accepted by simply choosing who we focus on. The cool people that love us or the losers who don’t know what they’re missing.

So to review: when you get rejected talk to yourself and listen. But don’t listen to yourself talk.

Dude, that didn’t make any sense. I stink.

But... I stink so bad that all the other kids are jealous.

08/16/09: Liberating our Theology

Sadly most of my readers may not know what this entry's title refers to. Sad also that I felt the need to inflate my readership by making it plural.

I just finished watching a movie called “Romero” about the Catholic Archbishop of San Salvador Oscar Romero. He espoused a version of Liberation Theology and was gunned down by right wing death squads in the beginning of the El Salvador civil war. How do I know all of this? Wikipedia. I love watching historical movies while researching them online.

As a born and bred Republican I was always told about the conservative teachings in the bible, while many liberal views were often ignored or minimized. I’m sure this same approach has been taken in born and bred Democratic families as well.

The irony is that both sides are right and both sides are wrong.

I don’t feel the compulsion to go into detail here, but economically the bible does seem to support a capitalistic approach to land, ownership, work, etc... Also experience, economic theory and history supports that capitalism is more viable and sustainable. Most of the remaining “communist” countries have even adopted a capitalist approach to economics while keeping the hammer and sickle for the prison yard, labor camp and underground church.

However; the bible says even more about social justice, equality, and the corrupting power of greed, pride and violence especially towards the poor and defenseless.

So where’s the balance? Where does the truth reside?

Personally I have a crush on the truth. A lifelong infatuation with the truth, so I attempt to hold loosely my interpretations, understandings and political views lest by holding them too tightly I find myself resisting God. In my favorite film The Mission (also thought by some to be about Liberation Theology) the bad guys hold so tightly to their economic “rights” that they attack, enslave and kill the very people for whom Christ died.

Holding loosely to my understandings in a search for the truth is the approach I have had take recently with the Evolution and Creation debate. I’m producing a video series on Evolution and Creation called “On a Level Playing Field” and have tried to approach it even handed and balanced. To do that in the series I have to have the same approach personally. If I know one is right and the other complete bunk then it isn’t going to be a very honest series. So I’ve had to hold loosely to certain interpretations of scripture and allow myself to float between beliefs, interpretations and understandings.

This floating is uncomfortable and not everyone can do it. Most want a concrete understanding that they can hold to, fight for and die on if need be. The guerrillas have this concrete understanding. And so do the government forces they fight. In the end the only cure for such rigidness is the eventual easing of rigor mortis (i.e. everyone eventually dies).

I try not to be to immediately applicable with my entries (and have been wildly successful on this count) but do have one possible application; healthcare.

With a doctor for a dad, it was inevitable that I be pro-doctor and against socialized medicine. Marrying a nurse I assumed my understanding of medicine wouldn’t need to change. Then my wife got sick ... a lot. In fact I’ve toured ERs in more states then there are states (true I exaggerate but so do the hospitals on our bills). My anecdotal exposure to medicine in America reveals that there are many things that can and should be fixed. Do I believe that the current proposal for government run healthcare is the answer? No. Do I believe the status quo is the answer? Absolutely not. There has got to be an answer somewhere in between these two extremes.

Oops. Now I’m floating again. Fortunately, this doesn’t seem to be a problem for most people. They know they’re right until buried otherwise.


Liberating our theology from our preconceived ideas, personal background, vested interest and personal conclusions is difficult. But in fact that is exactly what Christ called us to do and be: a disciple.

A disciple is always learning, growing and maturing. A disciple listens and seeks to understand. A disciple has a master (Christ) and follows him where he leads.

Not the other way around.

God leads us into all truth via the Holy Spirit, we don’t lead him to the truth that we already “know.”

Now that is liberating theology.

06/07/09: Pain's Refrain: Become Bitter or (rhymes with) Butter

If one could put a price on pain, my current level would be worth at least five blog entries.

I could write about rejection. About not being appreciated. I could rant and rail against all the perceived hurts, injuries and injustices done to me. Inversely, I could turn the tables and rant and rail about my own self-centeredness, lack of appreciation for others, and about how I deserve much worse.

All of these entries would be true and I may visit them in the future, but this article is about what to do with all this pain; become resentful. Uh... wait, that’s what I want to write. What I will write is about forgiveness. The medicine no one wants to take themselves. Make others take it? Sure. Take it ourselves? Not so much.

So what is causing me such pain, such feelings of rejection and of not being appreciated?

As I prepare to write of the thorn in my side it seems so inconsequential (because it is) but even splitters can go gangrene.

I didn’t win the “Teacher of the Month” award. And I shall never win it. At least not from the school campus where I have worked and given so much of myself over the past five years. Yesterday was the last day at my current school. Where I will be in August is still in limbo, but where I will be not is positive.

And I deserved to win it at least once. We have many great teachers at my newly old school. But I easily rank in the top 10 as far as commitment, time spent with students outside of school time, passion for teaching and willingness to help any and everyone that needed help (staff or student).

But it availed me not. True, I could look at the silver lining that my students nominated me over a dozen times, and I was honored with an even bigger accolade by a former student this year (an award I wouldn’t trade for a dozen Teacher of the Month Awards). And their acceptance of me is very meaningful, but it makes more glaring the choice of my peers to reject me.

Why is it that what we want, we don’t receive, but what we don’t appreciate, we have plenty of?

I’ve truly been a blessed man. I have wonderful parents, family, friends, wife, children (5 at last census), health, abilities, talents, intelligence, education, employment and sense of humor (one which I enjoy way too much). God has blessed me and so at this point in the conversation that I’ve had with myself I become ashamed at my selfishness. I shouldn’t care about this award or recognition by my peers. I should be thankful for all that I have... and I am. But denying the splinter because the rest of the body isn’t punctured isn’t wholesome.

Now comes the rub. I can’t deny the feelings of rejection and lack of appreciation nor can I deny that I’ve been blessed. I have been blessed by my school, principal, students and fellow staff members so much over the last eight years (five at my most recent campus), to let it end on such a downer isn’t a good summation. It would work for the Coen brothers but I prefer the typical Hollywood endings when it comes to my own life. Let the artsy people walk around depressed all the time, I’ll gladly accept my sugar coated reality.

The answer? I get to choose between resentment and forgiveness. And the choice while easily stated isn’t so easily chosen. Resentment brings with it all the favors of any great pity party. Forgiveness is a bitter pill to swallow. Resentment is like candy as it goes down.

Never mind what is contained beneath the coating; placebo or miracle medicine. You can only tell them apart by their fruit - what the medicine actually does.

One gives you ulcers, the other a good nights rest. One makes you jaded and jilted, the other joyful and upwards tilted (and bad at the rhyme, anyone for lemon, lime?).

One we become our own advocate, avenger, and herald of our own case. The other we allow God to vindicate, justify and champion our cause.

As far as my choice?

I couldn’t even pretend that I’m deserving of the Teacher of the Month Award if I chose ...

Wait, before I tell you what my choice is, I should ask you for your advice about what I should do?

Warning: Taking one’s own medicine isn’t as easy as it sounds.

07/20/08: Since I’m not dead...

Today is my 34th birthday and I’m not dead. I’m happy. Not happy in the sense that “any day that you’re alive is better than the alternative.” Though, that’s a pretty good reason to be happy.

No I’m happy in the “whew, I made it past that barrier.” What barrier you may or may not ask, but I’ll answer anyway.

The Jesus Barrier.

Jesus died at the age of 33. I didn’t, so whew, I made it.

And no, I’m not better than Jesus. In fact He was SO good that He accomplished everything He was sent to do in 33 years.

Honestly I figure that if I’m 1/3 the man that Jesus is/was then I’ll have to live to 99 years of age to fulfill my mission or destiny. That works for me... since I’m not dead and have a lot of life left to live and loads of alliterations to list.

07/19/08: Cede nothing without making them show their work

On the plane from Atlanta to Dallas today I set by a former missionary and had a good chat. When the conversation came around to Evolution ...

Brief Aside: Most of my conversations come around to Evolution and Creation if they go long enough because that is the subject matter of my pilot project for my new production company that has consumed my life for the last 18 months and this run on sentence and yes it also ate all of the commas. So it would make sense that it usually makes its way into my conversations. I would apologize, but I’m not sorry and I don’t want to be more neurotic than necessary to sustain my reputation.

Anyway, I don’t think I’m the only one that does this. In fact, I believe we all do. That is, we all steer conversations toward things that we are passionate about. Most of the time such maneuvering goes unnoticed because everyone does it.

Homework: Try steering your next conversation towards something unusual that you normally wouldn’t talk about. Let’s say your chatting with the pizza delivery guy; well see how quickly you can lead the conversation towards alien abduction or the danger of vaccinations. Seriously, it will be fun. Me, I’m going to somehow lead the next conversation I’m in tomorrow towards the dangers of underground sinkholes (as opposed to the celestial sort). The art to this exercise is in doing it in such a way that it seems natural and intelligent. Doing it too quickly will be coming out of left field, and too slowly and you may lose your audience to the dangerous sinkholes that are creeping up on us every day. And no that last sentence doesn’t count as completing my homework.

Brief Aside Over - Return to actual blog entry ...

So when the conversation came around to Evolution it was interesting to see how quickly this missionary, bible translator and lifelong Christian ceded much of Biblical teaching regarding Creation to current scientific thought regarding the age of the earth (estimates say about 4.5 billion years give or take a year).

And this isn’t a criticism of him. Its more of a thought. I myself am trying to keep myself open to truth no matter how uncomfortable it makes me at first.

But how quickly should I recast clear biblical teaching about a relatively young earth (6 to 10 thousand years) to accommodate current scientific thinking? In other words should I just accept the experts’ answers and reinterpret the first half dozen chapters of Genesis so that I appear more reasonable and intelligent?

Or maybe I should hold my theologically sound ground against ALL the evidence so that I maintain my spiritual peace of mind whilst not using any of my mind’s other pieces?

If you know me (which if you haven’t met me you really should - I would love to meet my reader), then you already know that neither extreme appeals to me.

My conclusion; as Christians we should be very careful when we cede biblical teaching to contemporary scientific (or social, political, parental, economic, etc...) thought without first making them show their work. If they’ve done the work and are willing to show it then we shouldn’t be afraid to consider, evaluate and test it and follow the truth where it leads us.

If; however, they aren’t willing to show the work and just expect us to swallow it hook, line and sinker then don’t take the bait. We’re to be fishers of men, not mounted guppies.

03/12/06: Ode to an author

I love staring at a blank screen. All is possible. Nothing is forbidden. The possibility and potential is there for a masterpiece.

The problem begins when the first letter is typed. As the entry progresses the possibilities constrict and whether or not its potential is reached can soon be judged.

Therein lies the problem with the blank screen: while it begs to be filled, by the very act of filling it loses its innocence and power.

From the same blank screen come masterpieces and utter filth. It isn’t the medium that is to blame, it is the seer who channels and brings about the birth of frankincense or Frankenstein.

Soon the love, the innocence, the potential drain away and the writer / reader is faced with a challenge: to finish the work or start over.

Too many screens go unsaved. Too many changes need to be made. Too much can no longer be realized. The dreamed of masterpiece refuses to materialize. So the author scraps the page and begins again with a new one. This one to will soon join its brother... but for now all is possible.

Such is a life.

Oh, to have a patient writer ... with a backspace button.

03/11/06: The people that people care about

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation ..." Henry David Thoreau

It is lamentable that Americans are so independent. In our head long rush toward self-fulfillment, self-satisfaction and self-aggrandizement many of us have lost any meaningful connection to one another.

On a related note I have finally found out what attracts me to people. It took me 31 years but I now know what I find attractive and compelling about people. I care about people that care about people.

I’m not a big fan of Angelina Jolie (in fact I find her tabloid soap opera very sad) but I did see a picture of her a year ago that endeared her to my heart. It wasn’t one of the thousand photos of her scantily clad or provocatively posed. No it was a photo of her in a UNICEF shirt working in Africa. The fact that she cared and did something about the plight of others caused me to care about her.

The past two weeks I helped out the yearbook sponsor at my school complete the yearbook (I had sponsored the yearbook the previous three years). At team time some fellow teachers asked me what I was getting paid and I bemoaned the fact that I wouldn’t get paid anything for all of the work I had put in helping my friend. Just as quickly the thought came to mind and I said it as it came.

"When it comes down to it what is more important relationships or money?" As I said it my gut told me the correct answer would be relationships. And yet when the rubber meets the road I will do many things for money with a cheery attitude, while I begrudge the minimal effort I expend building relationships.

A student teacher, Michael, and I have hit it off the past few months and so we decided to hold some poker nights and invite our co-workers. Needless to say after much prodding, inviting and pleading we’ve held two poker nights AND no one from my work showed for either night. I had a half a dozen maybes and a whole bushel of "I wish I could" but no one made the effort to actually show. Michael, my wife and myself had a great time both nights, but I did feel a little hurt that no one else cared enough to attend.

I can’t hold it against anyone, but I can be disappointed. I guess when it comes down to it I’m longing for someone to invite me. To be wanted. To be desired. To be valued.

The last person that invited me to anything I married (Tamara invited me, a lonely commuter student, to "The Battle of the Bands"). Again the whole caring about people that care is what attracted me to my future wife.

In the past two entries I wrote about the movie The Constant Gardener. As I’ve mentioned that movie has stayed with me. Maybe the reason that the death of Rachel Weisz’s character Tessa affected me so much is because this person cared. This person loved and showed compassion for others.

The other reason the film affected me so is that Tessa IS Tamara before I ruined her. I only hope that I can somehow find a way to restore to Tamara her compassion and love for others. Lord knows I’ve done so much to stifle it.

In college Tamara would often run across the campus, in her missionary dress, to hug a friend. I witnessed this event many times and not a few of the embracees turned out to be total strangers. But did one of these errant embracees ever feel hurt by the attention? Was anyone ever upset that someone cared enough to hug them even if it was a mistake?

So besides my wife it seems that no one wants me. This may not be true but experiences do have their way of jading us.

Growing up my best friend never invited me to spend the night at his house (though I had him over to my house dozens of times).

A couple that I traveled around the world with and worked with for years couldn’t even make it to my wedding. My best friend wouldn’t even take a day off of work to be my best man. And though I have freely videoed more than 20 weddings I couldn’t find someone with any video experience to shoot my own.

Since marriage my wife and I have invited guests over to our house at least 50 times, probably more. We’ve been to other people’s houses twice (our neighbors and best friends both had us over once).

Earlier this year the parents of one my students said they wanted to have my wife and I over for dinner. I was so excited - no parent had ever expressed an interest in me as a human being. Needless to say an actual invitation never materialized.

Unfortunately, the list goes on and the logical conclusion is inescapable. I’m not wanted. Or at the least no one finds my company something to be desired. Maybe they are on to something, maybe I am undesirable. Or at least this is my mood at the present. (Yes, I’m having a good ole’ fashioned pity party - and no one else showed up).

While I can’t ignore the inferences on my own character, I think the lack of hospitality reflected by my experiences is more of a cultural malaise. Or at least I HOPE it is.

Americans, as a whole it seems, don’t care about others. We are attracted to people that do care but we’re either too selfish or were never trained to care about others. Maybe that’s why so many people hate themselves.

Siya tidak tau (I no know).

So what is more important? Relationships or money? The one that is more important should become the priority. Another way to look at it is the proverbial death bed revelation. On your death bed will you wish that you had more money or more friends?

If we feel lonely we should be a friend. If we feel left out we should include. If we feel rejected we should accept.

My approach? Well, I decided in college that I was going to live my life without regrets. During college I missed a couple weddings that I later regretted. Why did I miss them? Laziness. I remember one in particular where my friend Brian was getting married and I just plain didn’t bother going even though it was less than a half a mile away. I still regret it.

After this I decided that I wasn’t going to live my life full of regrets. I would make choices that put relationships over convenience. I haven’t batted a thousand but I try to reach out and serve others whenever I can.

There is of course a balance. I have a good friend who cares about others so much that she doesn’t take care of herself which causes repeated burn outs and inconsistency. As a father and husband the people that I most care about are my family and I have made them my priority. But teaching my children how to host, invite and include others by my example hits two birds with one stone, which really appeals to me since I’m also very pragmatic.

So what’s the moral of this story? Most every evening is convenient for us, we are night owls and our kids will sleep anywhere (while we chat and play games). We are picky but we will eat whatever you make or order. Oh, and we’ll bring some games and stories. My e-mail is philip@pfanstiel.com

01/01/06: Comments on Posted Feedback and a Rant

I just deleted over 150 comments from spiders, crawlers and assorted internet insects.

That's not a fair comparison. Insects do have an important role in life on earth.

Of the hundreds of comments three were from real people. Thanks real people.

Since finding comments on this particular blog is a pain, I wanted to link to their actual comments. Check out their comments below (they can be found beneath the article they are commenting on).

Wal-Mart Comment

Dark Matter Comment

At the Risk of being called a Racist

Now I won't mention the title of services that the bogus comments mentioned. To do so would only increase my hit count of Google for those type of services. And that is not what I want. Besides, some dude once said "whatsoever things are pure... honest... trustworthy... think on these things." And another dude said "to the pure all things are pure and to the impure all things are impure."

That is one of the many blessings teaching 6th grade. These kids have helped me to clean up my own mind. After college, grad school and thousands of "art" films that I endured, my mind saw and could recognize a double entendre from a hundred yards out. Now after teaching 11 & 12 year olds for five years I am rekindling my own childlike mind and perspective.

Yet another quote I could reference but I'm too lazy. "Bad company corrupts good character." It is important to watch what we intake. Whether it is the media and its cynical outlook, friends who spew negativity or internet succubuses. Now that last one was a very apropos comparison.

Since this entry is more of a rant then a composed thought I'll throw in one more thing that really chaps my hide.

People who think only of themselves. Specifically, people that are purveyors of internet filth, scams, cons, or any of a thousand means to take from others without returning something of value to them. I realize many annoyances are needful (telemarketers, junk mail, etc...) in our economy and they don't bother me because they are at least honest and are offering a service. My Achilles heal is door to door salespeople. They usually make a sale when they come to my house - and I've always parted with my green backs full aware of what the exchange was all about.

Personally, I've often thought of myself as a terrible salesmen. And when it comes to products, goods and services I am second to all. But I do think that I'm developing a penchant (notice how I've hedged the claim I'm about to make) for selling ideas, knowledge and truth. Time will tell, but at least these products I believe in.

And I sleep well at night (when my wife isn't snoring). The knowledge and education that I communicate to my students IS and WILL help them in life. If I ever make money on this blog or any of my writings I will have earned it and provided something in exchange.

I guess it all comes back to motivation. If my only goal is to be rich then how I do it inconsequential. But for most people I believe wealth for wealth's sake is not the main goal. It isn't for me and most of the people I know (teachers especially). I wouldn't mind it (don't take me as noble), but my life is about more than me. Or at least that is what I'm hoping to accomplish.

To wraparound: In life we can be a parasitic succubus or an encouraging muse. I know which sounds better to me - and Greek mythology is (yes, even you can predict how this sentence is going to end), well its all Greek to me. See, now don't you feel smart!

12/30/05: The Otter Wild Paradox

I wrote my family's holiday newsletter today. I rationalized that my letter isn't that late if you include Presidents Day in the holiday season.

They say Otter's will perform when they have an audience. When no one is watching they become rather lethargic. Of course, I wonder how this can be proven. Obviously they perform when they have an audience (I've seen their antics at numerous zoos) but when no one is watching - well, how do we know what they do? This is not the paradox for which the title of this entry refers.

The paradox is one of promotion. In the newsletter I promoted this website. I told everyone about this site and in a minimalist way directed them to it. Hardly a 60 foot billboard but the boldest step I've taken so far in publicizing it. Most people that I work with don't even know I'm a writer, and those I'm closest to have never been to this website. I did have two teachers I used to work with tell me that they had found my site and read some of the articles - it was very flattering (thanks Leann and Mrs. Houser).

My instincts are to downplay whatever I do or write. Maybe its fake humility or a lack of confidence. What I think it is, is my philosophy of writers and thinkers in general. Often the more one clamors to be heard, the less they have to say. Take for instance Howard Stern. Whereas truly original thinkers don't need to tute their own horn. Or at least that is how I see it. But is that true? Isn't there a balance between the vain and the vague.

There is a proverb that goes "let another man praise you and not your own lips." But in this day of rapid self-promotion, press releases and spin it seems like the humble only eat the left over pie.

So is all self promotion bad? If not, what is an appropriate amount? Obviously telling my family and friends about my website is not akin to writing my link on the sphinx.

Yes, that was a sad rhyme, but it is something I will allow from time to time.

I have no answer. This entry is more rhetorical. It merely reflects some of my thoughts and concerns as I venture further into the rabbit hole that is the modern media. I think that I have a unique perspective and may contribute some insight and humor into the social dialogue. If I force myself into the spotlight then it cheapens what I have to say, but if I never reach the stage then any wisdom I may have shared is lost all together.

Ultimately I believe that it is God who exalts and humbles. The question is what role do I play? God exalted David with the slaying of Goliath, but David was no wallflower either. He pushed ahead and asked for the opportunity. Elijah on Mount Carmel was not at a loss for words. Jesus went to the Temple AND the crowds followed him into the wilderness. Paul visited the Synagogues throughout the Roman Empire.

For now the question is moot, but in time I know that I will have to promote my ideas, scripts and myself and I don't know how comfortable I am with it. I would love for my talents to make a way for me without me having to lift myself up. But ... I just don't know how practical that is in this day and age, and more importantly I don't know what God's perspective is on this.

I've seen too many sincere Christians become idolized, and then start to believe in their own exalted state. I'd much rather be like the missionary couple (John & Betty) that I know. Both of them are approaching their 80th year, with over 50 years each of active missionary service in Asia. Their lives, attitudes and demeanor are an example to me of true greatness, and true humility. They refuse to promote themselves. I asked if I could write a biography about them and they at first refused. They are considering it now but not for their own glory but so that their grandchildren and others could know of what God did.

Maybe this will be the death knell for my historic identity, but I'd much rather faulter on the side of obscurity then on obtusivity. Okay... so I just made up that word. Shakespeare did, but he got away with making up words because he was... well, he was Shakespeare.