The Philip Pfiles

07/20/10: 36th birthday remembered

Thanks for all the birthday notes. I had a great day. Called my mom (who had a SMALL part to play in my birth), played with my kids, prayed at church, planned my family's future, napped w/ my boys, dinner with my wife and posted on Facebook and my first post on my newly redesigned blog. Its been an awesome day - God is good!

04/03/10: Pinching the Post Penny

This will be a short entry. More of a venting with insight thrown in just because...

Why is the Post Office losing money? Because its not run like a business. It doesn't even try to serve its customers. Today I waited in line for 45 minutes to drop off a package because I couldn't put it in the slot because it was media mail and not priority. So, let me get this right, terrorist only use media mail? If its mailed priority then it doesn't need to be checked by a postal employee. Second, how many of you have a nightmare story regarding the post office? I bet we could all recount at least a dozen terrible incidents with postal "service."

All I can say is thank God the government is now going to be in charge of health care. I didn't think the lines were long enough at my doctor's office. I guess that could be a new course of treatment; have the patient wait long enough and either the illness or the patient will go away.

Second business brief: Why are some businesses so dumb? Scholastic Books, which has run book fairs at my school for the entire time I've been a teacher got rid of their teacher promotion this time. Usually teachers will get some kind of special deal. Maybe 20-25% off, or buy three get one free. Some kind of deal. As a teacher I routinely will drop $80-150 at the two book fairs they have each year at my school to replenish my class library. Well, this year because of the economic times they got rid of the special teacher promotion. I spent $20 and begrudgingly. Way to encourage spending, cheapskates.

When will people learn that even in hard economic times there are unique opportunities? Instead of getting tight with specials, promotions and pinching every penny, the companies that give extra value, cut the margins and try to "bless" their customers will inherit many and grateful customers.

Well, that's my two cents.... wait, I think I gave you at least a dimes worth. And you're welcome.

03/31/10: To wrestle or not to wrestle... that be the question

“We wrestle not against flesh and blood ...”

I find this verse in the Bible to be the most misunderstood, misinterpreted or misapplied in the whole Bible. But it seems to me that this has become the creed of so many American Christians. “We wrestle not...” It seems that we don’t fight. We don’t strive. We don’t wage war. Instead we acquiesce, compromise and diplomatically try to prevent conflict. We give ground, don’t resist any encroachment and then wonder why we’re getting chewed up and squished like grape.

Maybe we need to fight? ... No let me put that more emphatically: We are at war and we will either fight or die.

There, not quite Churchillian eloquence, but the same gist.

I’m in the middle of watching an episode of World War II in HD on the History Channel and I’m getting goose bumps up and down my spine as I hear Winston Churchill extol his people to “fight on the beaches, fight in the air... never, never, never give up.”

December 7th, 1941. We all know what happened on this date in history if we paid an ounce of attention in high school social studies (please tell me you paid attention). Japan attacked the US fleet at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Japan then declared war and was joined days later by Germany. The US responded to this outright attack and declared war and eventually won wars against both Japan and Germany.

The question and cause for my concern is that the real war had started over two years earlier in Europe and America stayed out of it to our and the world’s detriment.

Are we currently in this false peace? Are we squandering time, resources, people and energy that we could be using to mobilize and fight a very real war?

Oh... I forgot to finish the quote. “We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” So there is a fight, just not the one we were expecting. Maybe the physical one would be easier to recognize and mobilize for. Spiritual warfare isn’t easily recognized and therefore quickly forgotten or forsaken because of its intangible nature.

For the sake of space, I shall only discuss one physical manifestation of this battle but it represents a hundred other fronts of assault: Cancer.

Cancer is striking down millions of Christians every year, while in many churches we argue about whether or not it is God’s will to heal. “Lord, your will be done.” Pardon me, but that is taking Jesus out of context, and ignoring his whole ministry, teaching and resurrection. He said repeatedly “ask and ye shall receive, knock and the door shall be opened.” “If you’ll ask anything in my name it shall be done for you.” “I have come that you might have life and have it more abundantly.”

But the facts are that cancer is gutting the church, and we’re letting it kick our butt. We hardly resist the devil... and yes I’m saying cancer is from the devil. Again to quote someone you might find harder to accuse of presumption “the thief comes not but to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you might have life, and that more abundantly.” Jesus the Christ.

If Jesus’ view of life more abundantly is cancer, then he isn’t God, but a demon.

If cancer isn’t from the devil then I don’t know what is. And if healing isn’t a hallmark of Jesus then I’m spitting in the wind. Sorry Lord for my vulgarity, but I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to let the devil run over my brothers and sisters in Christ with impunity. In the week after Pearl Harbor over 130,000 young men enlisted into the US military. I wonder what will happen in the body of Christ when we finally declare war and get serious about this war that we’re in.

As for me and my house, we are arming ourselves with the word of God, trust in the clear words and promises of Jesus and with the knowledge that those who trust in the Lord will in no wise be ashamed. “Even if” (to quote Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego) God doesn’t deliver upon the clear promises in scripture I’d rather go down fighting then to rearrange pews on the deck of the Titanic.

Just so you know... this isn’t the last you’ll hear from me about this. The time is short, darkness is nigh and the fields are overripe for the harvest. Let’s get ready to wrestle!!

03/14/10: Addicted to the Inconsequential. No more?

There is a saying that writers have to write. I disagreed with this when I was a read writer. Now that I write for an audience of one (and I’m not counting God since He isn’t as egotistical as my reader) I realize the truth of the statement. I write because I have to. The fact that it is put on the internet in the guise of a blog that has the “potential” to be read by millions makes it sound less pathetic, but the reality is that I have to write.

Course, if this is true then why haven’t I written anything since last August? My reader posts a good question. He already knows the answer, but to rub it in his face, the reason I haven’t yet written my book is well because of ... Facebook. Namely games like Mafia Wars, Farmville and now I’ve joined another endeavor called Kingdoms of Camelot. Never has so much been done by so many for so little. Some of the most addictive and inconsequential activities one can waste one’s life on and feel justified in doing so (I do reference John 3:16 on my farm in Farmville and practiced crop rotation in accordance with scripture - I would say I tithed, but God might strike my little farmer down with lighting).

I wrote a few years ago about artificial achievement. How we all want to achieve something great with our lives. How we want to be apart of something bigger than ourselves. Some find this as sports fans, others in the “second lives” of video games (this includes Facebook in my estimation), some in gossip (also a Facebook staple) and others in preferring others above themselves through service, prayer and charity. The first three are a waste of our time and talent, only the last will survive past the reboot.

It’s this last thought that leads me to this article. I’ve been bemoaning my lack of time to anyone who will listen and finding no one I’ve vented my frustrations to my wife. While it is true that I’m a busy boy: I spend 50-60 hours a week as a teacher, have 5 children whose lives I’m very active in, do my fair share of the household chores, am active in my church, and on top of this work 10 hours a week with the production company that I started. The truth is I also am capable of wasting time as effectively as the best of them (ie. bums). In addition to Facebook and FB games, I watch way too much TV, movies and ... actually that about sums up the four horsemen of my time apocalypse. Speaking of which I need to update my kingdom. And I’m not even kidding.

I’ve been struggling for years with this juggling act and have noticed a paradox. When I’m super busy doing what I should be doing I don’t complain about my lack of time. It is only when I have time and am wasting it that I moan about how much time I don’t have. Tonight, it was brought to my attention (and I don’t mean to name drop but he’s the only famous person I know) by God that I am not a wise steward of my time. I’ve prayed for, and have sought to free up more time so I could devote it to Catacomb Films (my production company) but until I am faithful in the little then I won’t be ruler over much.

My consistent erraticism when it comes to time management is something I must have mastery over if I’m ever to go from a dreamer to a visionary. In the meantime I’ll leave you with three quotes from my iPod playlist and my other reader.

“Don’t let me trade the eternal for the things that are passing.” Rich Mullins
“Time is tickin’ away.” dc Talk
“Lord, make my life a prayer to you, I wanna do what you want me to, no empty words, no white lies, no token prayers, no compromise.” Keith Green
“He who is faithful in little, will be made ruler over much.” Jesus

08/20/09: My Superior Inferiority Complex

I have a great inferiority complex. In fact, I have the best inferiority complex in the world. In my honest opinion... wait, what’s that? You have a better inferiority complex? Yeh, you’re probably right. Mine isn’t that good. Actually, I don’t even know what complex is. And I believe I imply and you infer, so I don’t even think I used that word right. You got me.

My confidence is weird. In some ways I have too much. My wife teases me that I think I can do anything - blame my parents, they told me I could do whatever I put my mind to. Makes me fume at how they handicapped me. :) But when it comes to relationships I assume that people don’t like me until proven otherwise. :(

I remember cornering a childhood friend of mine and asking him if I was his best friend. Now, he hadn’t seen me in two years and we haven’t seen each other since, but he said I was his best friend. 2nd graders are so gullible. Nice kid though. If he had told me I wasn’t his best friend I don’t know how I would have reacted. Probably sucked my thumb, pouted and then called my wife and cried.

Actually I was in 2nd grade (and not married), but I couldn’t resist the dumb joke.

Facebook presents another challenge. I have a great memory, so if I “friend” someone and they don’t approve it I know it, even though Facebook doesn’t rub the rejection in your face. I don’t “friend” a lot of people. In fact most of my Facebook friends were people that asked me to be their friend. But there are a few people that I’ve “friended” and got rejected.

Reminds me of a website idea I have. It’s called fartbook. But I digress ... or regress.

I yearn for acceptance, but grab a hold of the faintest scent of rejection. I don’t know why God has made me so sensitive. In many ways I see it as a major handicap for me professionally. I assume people will say no to my ideas, writings, videos, etc... so I rarely attempt the sell. And when I do and get rejected I do another couple spins in the neurotic cycle. As you may infer I’m in one of those cycles right now.

But I’m also impulsively persistent. So while I get knocked down by the slightest hint of rejection, I also bounce right back up. Kind of like a very drunk Weebul-wobble.

I know that God has made me sensitive to rejection. Having been rejected and felt rejection I tend to be better at recognizing it in other people and reaching out to them. I think this has been something I’ve been good at in my teaching career. Whether the loner on the playground, the quiet kid in the back, the difficult child who just needs someone to challenge and believe in him, or the substitute teacher - I try to make them all feel important and that they belong.

So here’s the profound advice my pastor once told me that I employ when I get into one of these funks. Talk to yourself. When we listen to our emotions, our fears, our hurts we tend not to make the right choices. When we speak to ourselves from the truth we know deep down (like say from that dusty book named Holly Bib Le) we tend to make better and more lasting decisions.

For instance, for every rejection that I’ve received I have received a number of acceptances (dude, I need an editor). As I mentioned a lot of people have requested that I be their friend. In fact if you’re reading this you may have been one of the half dozens that requested that I be your friend. Wow. Either you hit the wrong button, or you like me. You really really kind of like me... sorta. So I can concentrate on the few rejections (my personal preference) or I can look at the cool (and by cool I mean those that like me therefore defined as “cool”) people that didn’t reject me. My wife. My family. My friends. My cool co-workers . I even have former students that “friended” me (BTW: I won’t seek out former students, but will accept if they seek me out - I feel weird stalking former students... I mean I don’t stalk former... nevermind).

And for every person that I sent my video (“On a Level Playing Field”) to that is currently using it as a coaster, door stop or have thrown it in a box with all the old AOL CDs, there have been a number of people who have watched the video, given me feedback and even invested in my company. I still vacillate between thinking the video is great and thinking it stinks. Noone has told me it stinks, I just assume that if they don’t respond its because they think it stinks and don’t want to hurt my feelings. Maybe I should reframe that as “if they don’t respond, they must be jealous because its so good and they wish they had made it.” Yeh, I think I’ll start doing that.

So as I listen to me talk to myself I’m inferring that what I’m saying is that we can feel rejected or accepted by simply choosing who we focus on. The cool people that love us or the losers who don’t know what they’re missing.

So to review: when you get rejected talk to yourself and listen. But don’t listen to yourself talk.

Dude, that didn’t make any sense. I stink.

But... I stink so bad that all the other kids are jealous.

08/16/09: Liberating our Theology

Sadly most of my readers may not know what this entry's title refers to. Sad also that I felt the need to inflate my readership by making it plural.

I just finished watching a movie called “Romero” about the Catholic Archbishop of San Salvador Oscar Romero. He espoused a version of Liberation Theology and was gunned down by right wing death squads in the beginning of the El Salvador civil war. How do I know all of this? Wikipedia. I love watching historical movies while researching them online.

As a born and bred Republican I was always told about the conservative teachings in the bible, while many liberal views were often ignored or minimized. I’m sure this same approach has been taken in born and bred Democratic families as well.

The irony is that both sides are right and both sides are wrong.

I don’t feel the compulsion to go into detail here, but economically the bible does seem to support a capitalistic approach to land, ownership, work, etc... Also experience, economic theory and history supports that capitalism is more viable and sustainable. Most of the remaining “communist” countries have even adopted a capitalist approach to economics while keeping the hammer and sickle for the prison yard, labor camp and underground church.

However; the bible says even more about social justice, equality, and the corrupting power of greed, pride and violence especially towards the poor and defenseless.

So where’s the balance? Where does the truth reside?

Personally I have a crush on the truth. A lifelong infatuation with the truth, so I attempt to hold loosely my interpretations, understandings and political views lest by holding them too tightly I find myself resisting God. In my favorite film The Mission (also thought by some to be about Liberation Theology) the bad guys hold so tightly to their economic “rights” that they attack, enslave and kill the very people for whom Christ died.

Holding loosely to my understandings in a search for the truth is the approach I have had take recently with the Evolution and Creation debate. I’m producing a video series on Evolution and Creation called “On a Level Playing Field” and have tried to approach it even handed and balanced. To do that in the series I have to have the same approach personally. If I know one is right and the other complete bunk then it isn’t going to be a very honest series. So I’ve had to hold loosely to certain interpretations of scripture and allow myself to float between beliefs, interpretations and understandings.

This floating is uncomfortable and not everyone can do it. Most want a concrete understanding that they can hold to, fight for and die on if need be. The guerrillas have this concrete understanding. And so do the government forces they fight. In the end the only cure for such rigidness is the eventual easing of rigor mortis (i.e. everyone eventually dies).

I try not to be to immediately applicable with my entries (and have been wildly successful on this count) but do have one possible application; healthcare.

With a doctor for a dad, it was inevitable that I be pro-doctor and against socialized medicine. Marrying a nurse I assumed my understanding of medicine wouldn’t need to change. Then my wife got sick ... a lot. In fact I’ve toured ERs in more states then there are states (true I exaggerate but so do the hospitals on our bills). My anecdotal exposure to medicine in America reveals that there are many things that can and should be fixed. Do I believe that the current proposal for government run healthcare is the answer? No. Do I believe the status quo is the answer? Absolutely not. There has got to be an answer somewhere in between these two extremes.

Oops. Now I’m floating again. Fortunately, this doesn’t seem to be a problem for most people. They know they’re right until buried otherwise.


Liberating our theology from our preconceived ideas, personal background, vested interest and personal conclusions is difficult. But in fact that is exactly what Christ called us to do and be: a disciple.

A disciple is always learning, growing and maturing. A disciple listens and seeks to understand. A disciple has a master (Christ) and follows him where he leads.

Not the other way around.

God leads us into all truth via the Holy Spirit, we don’t lead him to the truth that we already “know.”

Now that is liberating theology.

08/06/09: Cleaning the Cracks that Crap Causes

Note from PAP: Please forgive my toilet language but there are only so many synonyms for poop...

My son, Luke, gets a diaper rash when he lets his poop sit in his pull-up for too long. My wife or I will notice the smell and ask Luke if he’s dirty. He responds quickly, “No I okay.” Then runs off and torments his sisters. We’ll check Gabe’s diaper and not finding the offending odorous source will chalk it up to gas, or secretly suspect the other of a SBD.

Later when Luke tackles us and puts his butt in our face or is up wind of our position we discover his lie. As a whipped... I mean, good husband I have changed my share of diapers. So I sit down with Luke and take off the biohazard. Sure enough the acids in the poop have started to eat at his butt flesh. Hence a classic diaper rash.

Now there are other means of diaper rash such as excema, or fungus, but (and there are many butts) in our house the most common form is the “sitting in poop too long” variety.

As I throw the spoilt diaper at the child slowest to react and flee, I yell “honey, could you throw this away for me.” Now I take a closer look at my son’s red butt and look into his teary eyes “No! Wipe! No Wipe!” I disobey and take out the wipe and start to remove the folliclly challenged dingle-berries (and yes I used this term correctly for once). He fights me and I have to wipe harder lest he spin about and escape while leaving a trail across my forearm, slacks and carpet (not that we’d notice the last stain).

After cleaning him off I apply a glob of diaper or anti-fungal cream I put on another pull up and warn him earnestly, “When you go poopy you need to tell daddy so I can clean it up so you don’t get any more rashes. Or better yet go in the toilet.”

Okay, that’s not what I say exactly. I misspelled one word in the previous paragraph, it should read “mommy.”

Luke nods, “Yes daddy!” and then returns to his job of joyfully tormenting Abby.

On a completely unrelated note (but soon to be snapped together):

Have you ever met anyone whose character just smelled? They talk to you and you can’t help but be repulsed by their negativity, attitude, ungratefulness, anger, etc... You name it, they just seem to be fermenting in shit.

What do you do? I’ll ask them nicely, “are you okay.” They’ll say “I’m okay” and then go share their crap with someone else. Later it becomes clear that they are full of shit and that this stuff is hurting their relationships, hurting you and especially hurting themselves. So what do you do? Do you come back and help them change or do you walk off and hope someone else will help them clean up?

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend,” King Solomon wrote in the book of Proverbs. Only a loving parent will change some of the waste that comes out of a toddler, while the toddler is screaming “I hate you!” and squirming to get away.

Only a true friend will confront someone who is sitting in shit and try to clean them up so they can heal. I did this recently with a friend of mine, and was verbally assaulted, accused, and criticized. It even cost me a great business opportunity. My crime was that I was honest with them and was trying to help them.

Looking at this friend’s life I don’t know of many people like myself that care about them and want to help (this person is similar to me in many ways). Most people are scared of this person’s rage (for good reason) and don’t want to hurt him/her so they avoid any confrontation. The end result is a little tyrant whose anger, bitterness and loneliness are all unnecessary. They can be such an intelligent, generous, thoughtful and creative person if people could get close to them, but the smell keeps people at a distance.

The temptation is to walk away and say that at least I tried. The problem is that the longer we allow our friends to sit in the “fruits of the crap” the longer and more difficult the journey back to a sanitary and sane state. True there are other caustic causes in people’s lives that we can’t fix, but we can help with the all too common “sitting in poop too long” variety.

Now there is a place for grace and gentleness when correcting a friend. You can wipe gently and use wet wash-cloths instead of bristle pads. You can also apply a generous layer of cream to the post operative area. But no matter how you do it, it its going to be uncomfortable and painful for the person you are trying to help and yourself.

The good news is that when its over your friend will be grateful (eventually) and may even go in the toilet the next time.

07/21/09: Muggle Magic

Why do people love Harry Potter? What is it about that world that enthralls so many? Whilst I haven’t read any of the books I have watched the movie. [Enter my wife’s derisive laugh track here].

I’m sure part of it is due to J.K. Rowlings writing ability and style. The characters? Sure. But I think in a bigger sense the reason that Harry Potter resonates with so many is because we long for the supernatural. In our materialistic / “science saves” society we’ve lost something mystical, mysterious, marvelous.

We’ve lost the magic.

Now whether magic is something that our evolutionary brain developed to protect us from predatory pigeons I cannot comment on. I personally think its because we need to look beyond our vision. We think in our four dimensions (XYZ and time) when we intrinsically know that there is more out there. There are other worlds beyond our reach. (See the book or movie called Flatlands for an interesting examination of other dimensions).

I believe that some of these dimensions are spiritual. I believe in angels, demons, God and gods. What can I say, I’ve seen their handiwork every time I pick up a paper, history book or news broadcast.

I may be a muggle but I want to be a sorcerer... and I’m not as blind as all those muggle extras in the Potter movies.

But if that works for you, keep on being captivated by the possibility of the truth, while living the blandness of the flatlands.

07/20/09: Living Life on Purpose vs. the Damnation of Living by Default

I’ve converted to Arminianism. In many ways it was destined to happen.

I just can’t stomach how so many Christians just accept life on default. We just go with the flow. Like a canoeist that is jostled to and fro on the rapids, bemoaning every bump, turn and dunking that the River throws at them. But sure that the River knows best and will take us where we need to go. Confidant that every trial, tribulation and consequence will make us better people and prove our faithfulness to the River.

Never mind that the River is leading to a huge waterfall. To death and destruction. Though visually stunning to others watching and bringing much glory to the power of the falls, need we take this plunge?

Of course by “River” I mean life and not God. Although many people lump these together. Whatever life throws at them must be from God because God is omnipotent and could do whatever He wants so this __________ (enter bad thing here) must be from Him.

This guilt by lazy association does unfathomable damage. We accept anything and everything as being from God. I just don’t think that is correct. While the Old Testament does ascribe many plagues, droughts and disasters to God’s providence the New Testament has a decidedly more proactive stance. Jesus went about doing good and healing all that were oppressed of the devil. This statement, mentioned numerous times in the gospels, should destroy the idea that everything comes from God. Illness, disease, physical handicap, demonic possession and oppression and even untimely death were not from God but from the devil. So Jesus was an Arminian too.

Paul admittedly was a closet Calvinist but I’m choosing not to talk about him in this article.

The more I read about the life of Jesus Christ, the early church, church history and the history of missionaries, the more I’m convinced that God has empowered (with His Spirit) and commissioned us (with His authority) to do His will.

And like any good leader, God isn’t going to step in immediately and do the job that He’s given us to do. So when we get dunked, twisted and slapped silly that isn’t God’s fault, it’s the fault of Christians who haven’t taken their authority and power to fix the problem. Maybe even our own fault. Maybe our sins have consequences. This connection is easy to see when it comes to the mistakes, choices and directions of others, but we don’t or won’t make the connection to our own life. It is far more palatable to ascribe the crap in life to a holy God. More on this later...

Now the relevance for my life today (also my 35th b-day) is that I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be continuing in my current job for much longer. While I love my current job (teaching) and am content to teach for another year I just don’t feel like I’m supposed to be.

Now God could just move me into the job He wants me in. And most Christians I know would just wait until He does. Or pray for months... This is another conundrum that I’ve banging my head against, the balance between prayer and action. I’m wired for action. I don’t like prayer, but I think this has more to do with the belief that prayer is pointless. Which it is if God is going to do what He’s going to do anyway. Prayer only has an outlet if “there is no fate, but the fate we make.”

So what am I supposed to do? Wait for God to act. Or find out what God wants and then make it happen? I could see spending time in prayer for the latter. In a way its like praying for your favorite team to win. Pointless. Or you could you pray that you would perform your best and help your team win. Purposeful. One is a spectator, the other a participant.

It is at this point that life interrupts. I just read all the article that I had written so far to my wife. She and I then get into a major discussion. She holds that life is tough, bad things happen and God is glorified by our response and trust in him. Which I don’t totally disagree with but I feel there is a better way that we’re missing.

We then go into a 15 minute spin cycle about sickness, cancer, death, martyrdom and televangelists. I think there was even a wicked witch thrown in there.

No birthday cake but I did get a nice sucker punch. Which as I lay on my bed bemoaning the cruelty of the river, reminded me of the whole point of this article. So I waited for God to do what He was going to do anyway, but remembering that I’m an Arminian I got up and here I am.

What do I do? Notice I didn’t write “how should I feel about this?” or “how will this bring God glory.”

I think, random thought alert, that when it comes to spiritual truths we deal with them in a completely different mind set then physical truths. I don’t think this is good.

When it comes to physical truths about illness, disease, death, cancer and even martyrdom we put our shoulder to the grindstone and ask some hard questions about who, what, when, where, why and how. But when it comes to spiritual truths we throw our hands up and say “God knows, we don’t, but we’ll praise Him anyway.”

That doesn’t cut it for me. I want to know why my prayers for Judith Vanderbeek weren’t answered. Why Linda Davison died of cancer. Why my wife has suffered with chronic illnesses of one type or another for 20 years?

I do want God to get glory. But is He so capricious that He wants the glory whilst we suffer, toil and die? I don’t think He is - and if He is then His son Jesus is guilty of major misrepresentation. I think He had and has a better plan that we are just missing somehow.

It is at this point in our “discussion” that things became heated because my wife is very sensitive about divine healing. “Why hasn’t she been healed?” The temptation is to write off divine healing and say that this is just how God wants it. To God be the Glory.

I don’t want to give God that kind of “glory” and I don’t think He wants it either.

Physical truth begins with the assumption that there are causes and effects. Once we find the causes we can avert, protect against or remedy the effects.

This is what the physician Ignaz Philipp Semmelweis and scientist Louis Pasteur strove for: the answer to why infections spread. As they discovered the cause they healed many that were oppressed of the devil. So did the Devil cause germs? Death? Contagions? Epidemics? I suspect that the answer isn’t a simple yes or no. More on this in another article.

I don’t know the answers. But I suspect that there are answers, and I am determined to find them. But we won’t find them until we start asking the questions and seeking to know the truth. Naively passing off the shit in life as gifts from God is a gross miscarriage of justice. Doesn’t God deserve more respect than to ascribe to Him the cancer, tumors, MS, CF, endometriosis, infant mortality, murder, etc... These are the works of him who seeks to “kill, steal and destroy.” But Jesus says that He has “come that you might have life and have it more abundantly.”

I don’t know the answers. But I know that the answers will bring God far more glory then passing off the devil’s monstrosities as God’s divine handiwork.

I think the answers may involve a paddle, an outboard motor and maybe even a parachute.

06/07/09: Pain's Refrain: Become Bitter or (rhymes with) Butter

If one could put a price on pain, my current level would be worth at least five blog entries.

I could write about rejection. About not being appreciated. I could rant and rail against all the perceived hurts, injuries and injustices done to me. Inversely, I could turn the tables and rant and rail about my own self-centeredness, lack of appreciation for others, and about how I deserve much worse.

All of these entries would be true and I may visit them in the future, but this article is about what to do with all this pain; become resentful. Uh... wait, that’s what I want to write. What I will write is about forgiveness. The medicine no one wants to take themselves. Make others take it? Sure. Take it ourselves? Not so much.

So what is causing me such pain, such feelings of rejection and of not being appreciated?

As I prepare to write of the thorn in my side it seems so inconsequential (because it is) but even splitters can go gangrene.

I didn’t win the “Teacher of the Month” award. And I shall never win it. At least not from the school campus where I have worked and given so much of myself over the past five years. Yesterday was the last day at my current school. Where I will be in August is still in limbo, but where I will be not is positive.

And I deserved to win it at least once. We have many great teachers at my newly old school. But I easily rank in the top 10 as far as commitment, time spent with students outside of school time, passion for teaching and willingness to help any and everyone that needed help (staff or student).

But it availed me not. True, I could look at the silver lining that my students nominated me over a dozen times, and I was honored with an even bigger accolade by a former student this year (an award I wouldn’t trade for a dozen Teacher of the Month Awards). And their acceptance of me is very meaningful, but it makes more glaring the choice of my peers to reject me.

Why is it that what we want, we don’t receive, but what we don’t appreciate, we have plenty of?

I’ve truly been a blessed man. I have wonderful parents, family, friends, wife, children (5 at last census), health, abilities, talents, intelligence, education, employment and sense of humor (one which I enjoy way too much). God has blessed me and so at this point in the conversation that I’ve had with myself I become ashamed at my selfishness. I shouldn’t care about this award or recognition by my peers. I should be thankful for all that I have... and I am. But denying the splinter because the rest of the body isn’t punctured isn’t wholesome.

Now comes the rub. I can’t deny the feelings of rejection and lack of appreciation nor can I deny that I’ve been blessed. I have been blessed by my school, principal, students and fellow staff members so much over the last eight years (five at my most recent campus), to let it end on such a downer isn’t a good summation. It would work for the Coen brothers but I prefer the typical Hollywood endings when it comes to my own life. Let the artsy people walk around depressed all the time, I’ll gladly accept my sugar coated reality.

The answer? I get to choose between resentment and forgiveness. And the choice while easily stated isn’t so easily chosen. Resentment brings with it all the favors of any great pity party. Forgiveness is a bitter pill to swallow. Resentment is like candy as it goes down.

Never mind what is contained beneath the coating; placebo or miracle medicine. You can only tell them apart by their fruit - what the medicine actually does.

One gives you ulcers, the other a good nights rest. One makes you jaded and jilted, the other joyful and upwards tilted (and bad at the rhyme, anyone for lemon, lime?).

One we become our own advocate, avenger, and herald of our own case. The other we allow God to vindicate, justify and champion our cause.

As far as my choice?

I couldn’t even pretend that I’m deserving of the Teacher of the Month Award if I chose ...

Wait, before I tell you what my choice is, I should ask you for your advice about what I should do?

Warning: Taking one’s own medicine isn’t as easy as it sounds.