Gym be like …

Based on a true story.


Gym be like: What are you doing here? It’s 2 am.

Me be like: Couldn’t sleep.  Decided to do something productive besides watch a whole bunch of lame  youtube videos.

Gym: Don’t you have two youtube channels; the philipfiles and philippfanstiel?

Me: Thanks for the plug… oh wait a minute!

Gym: Are you falling asleep?  Because this is a gym not a park bench.

Me: I need to work out.  Want to look less like Pee Wee or Bill Nye and more like … well, a normal 40 year old guy.

Gym: Don’t put yourself down.  You’ve been paying your dues every month and have been coming here for years.

Me: Thanks for noticing.

Gym: I’m sorry.  I misspoke.  You come here every year.

Me: Thanks?  That’s not fair, I’ve been coming a lot more lately.  Since I turned 40 I …

Gym: I’m sorry, did I ask for a confessional?  Or for you to rehash some midlife crisis?

Me: No.

Gym: Save that for your counselor.  Besides shouldn’t you just buy an expensive car or something?

Me: Don’t you want me to come to the gym?

Gym: No, the way you’ve been gaming the system – we’re good with that.  Keep the card in your wallet and your wallet at home.  With you.

Me: You’re kind of cranky at 2 in the morning.

Gym: You would be too if you saw all the losers that come here at 2 in the morning.

Me: (put on ear buds)

Gym: Hello.  Philip?  Are you there? PHILIP!  TAKE OFF THE HEADPHONES!

Me: (taking out ear buds) I’m sorry what did you say?

Gym: You need to turn down the music.  It’ll make you go deaf.

Me: Sorry, what did you say?

Gym: Oh, I see what you did there.  Clever.  Well I’ll let you get back to your work out.  You need it.

Me: Thanks, that’s why I came.

Gym: Oh I thought you came to show off.

Me: At 2 in the morning?

Gym: No, when you come during the day.

Me: No, in the daytime I come for the free childcare and so my kids don’t spend the whole day playing video games and watching youtubes.

Gym: Good to keep the kids active.  What you listening to?

Me: Besides you?  Casting Crowns.  Needtobreathe.

Gym: No Keith Green?

Me: No I save that music for when I’m at the hair restoration clinic.

Gym: I don’t get it.

Me: Keith had a lot of hair.

Gym: Oh.  I didn’t know you go to the hair …

Me: I don’t. It was a joke.

Gym: Why don’t you just shave your head?

Me: That’s what my wife wants me to do.  But I’d look like a skinny bald white guy. With bad posture.

Gym: Why don’t you just work out … Oh, I see.  So you want to look …

Me: More like a coach or ex-military dude.

Gym: That’s kind of vain isn’t it?

Me: I bet that’s what you say to everyone.

Gym: Actually it is, but for most of the others it’s a compliment.

Me: (puts the earbuds back in and leaves them in)

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