Based on a true story.
Gym be like: What are you doing here? It’s 2 am.
Me be like: Couldn’t sleep. Decided to do something productive besides watch a whole bunch of lame youtube videos.
Me: Thanks for the plug… oh wait a minute!
Gym: Are you falling asleep? Because this is a gym not a park bench.
Me: I need to work out. Want to look less like Pee Wee or Bill Nye and more like … well, a normal 40 year old guy.
Gym: Don’t put yourself down. You’ve been paying your dues every month and have been coming here for years.
Me: Thanks for noticing.
Gym: I’m sorry. I misspoke. You come here every year.
Me: Thanks? That’s not fair, I’ve been coming a lot more lately. Since I turned 40 I …
Gym: I’m sorry, did I ask for a confessional? Or for you to rehash some midlife crisis?
Gym: Save that for your counselor. Besides shouldn’t you just buy an expensive car or something?
Me: Don’t you want me to come to the gym?
Gym: No, the way you’ve been gaming the system – we’re good with that. Keep the card in your wallet and your wallet at home. With you.
Me: You’re kind of cranky at 2 in the morning.
Gym: You would be too if you saw all the losers that come here at 2 in the morning.
Me: (put on ear buds)
Gym: Hello. Philip? Are you there? PHILIP! TAKE OFF THE HEADPHONES!
Me: (taking out ear buds) I’m sorry what did you say?
Gym: You need to turn down the music. It’ll make you go deaf.
Me: Sorry, what did you say?
Gym: Oh, I see what you did there. Clever. Well I’ll let you get back to your work out. You need it.
Me: Thanks, that’s why I came.
Gym: Oh I thought you came to show off.
Me: At 2 in the morning?
Gym: No, when you come during the day.
Me: No, in the daytime I come for the free childcare and so my kids don’t spend the whole day playing video games and watching youtubes.
Gym: Good to keep the kids active. What you listening to?
Me: Besides you? Casting Crowns. Needtobreathe.
Gym: No Keith Green?
Me: No I save that music for when I’m at the hair restoration clinic.
Gym: I don’t get it.
Me: Keith had a lot of hair.
Gym: Oh. I didn’t know you go to the hair …
Me: I don’t. It was a joke.
Gym: Why don’t you just shave your head?
Me: That’s what my wife wants me to do. But I’d look like a skinny bald white guy. With bad posture.
Gym: Why don’t you just work out … Oh, I see. So you want to look …
Me: More like a coach or ex-military dude.
Gym: That’s kind of vain isn’t it?
Me: I bet that’s what you say to everyone.
Gym: Actually it is, but for most of the others it’s a compliment.
Me: (puts the earbuds back in and leaves them in)