Over the last few months I have been given the saddest, most depressing compliment that I have ever heard. I think people meant well when they gave it to me, but they will never know just how much it hurt. The compliment? “You should get an award for the best father in the world.”
Oh, who am I kidding? I loved the compliment and it really made me feel good. And not to toot my own horn, but Ive had a number of people tell me what a wonderful dad I am and how blessed my wife and kids are to have me.
The problem, between you and me, is that Im not that good of a dad. I have a lot of warts. I get frustrated and snappy at my kids. Im self-centered and can be harsh. And thats about it. Okay, I dont have a lot of warts – but I do have some.
The reason that my nomination for “Best Dad” is so depressing is twofold. First, if Im in consideration for this prestigious award then it really must have been a lean year for fatherhood. Its like nominating Eisenhower, Chamberlain or De Gaulle for the best statesmen of the 20th century. Yeh, they were okay, but where are FDR, Churchill and Gandhi? In other words, I sure hope there are better fathers out there then me. Second, since I am being considered for this fictitious award I must query why isnt there such an award? We have an award for everything else it seems. We have entire record books for who can shove the most needles up their nose or who can kick pigs the farthest (63 yards apparently) but we have no recognition for the best father. Lamentable really … because I really want to win something. Its been a long dry spell since I last won an award (5th grade little league baseball team to be precise).
Now before I go too far I must mention that when an award for Best Father of the Year is created there must also be an award for Best Mother of the Year. With all due respect and not to disparage the job that mothers are doing but do you really need an award?
I mean, lets be honest, you are already doing a great job. Its the men in our society that are failing as fathers. They are great at “popping” in and out and siring the next generation but being a father is something they really stink at. So they need a goal, a standard if you will. Something to shoot for. Men are naturally competitive and maybe if being a good father brought with it some recognition, a record book and a late night time slot on ESPN 4, men would eat it up.
“Today the Best Father in the World competition is heating up. Ludvig really mastered the last round with his amazing 27 changed diapers while preparing dinner.”
“Youre right Herb, but that dinner didnt earn him any points with our panel of judges.”
“Yes, and our thoughts are with our judges and well keep you informed once we hear from the hospital. Now for our next competition we will be seeing our five finalist handle three tasks simultaneously. It is officially called the Tri-Challenge but the contestants have nicknamed it the âMommys night out. “
Aside: Where is The NFL Hall of Fame? What about MLBs Hall of Fame? The NBAs Hall of Fame? What about the National Teachers Hall of Fame?
If you said Emporia, Kansas then you mustve gotten lost when driving through Kansas. No one, except residents of Emporia, should know about this Hall of Fame.
To state my rhetorical question succinctly: Why are the most important roles in society; fathers and mothers and teachers, the ones that are least recognized? Of course, I know why but allow me the chance to mourn our skewed priorities.
And its not only the fact that they are unrecognized. Actually I am going to take this opportunity to disagree with my own conclusion. I dont think it has a lot to do with recognition (though some recognition wouldnt hurt). I think it has to do with expectation. We have very low expectations of fathers.
I change diapers willingly and people label me a saint. I feed, clothe, watch, play, bathe and put to bed my own four children and Im perceived as super human. I take my kids to church by myself (when Tamara is working or sick) and people are aghast as if I am an apparition. But have I really done anything that great? Shouldnt this be what we expect from every man who is man enough to be a father?
Sadly we all know that that is not what we expect. In our society a woman is lucky if all her children have the same dad. Luckier still if this man is also her husband. Downright freakishly lucky if this marriage is a permanent one. And we arent even talking about what kind of dad he is.
Id be morbidly curious to do a filter test on all the dads in the US. Filter out the ones who are absent or non-involved in the childs life. Actually just throw those losers out. Then filter out the fathers who are present in body, but uninvolved emotionally or mentally with their kids. Take away those men who expect to work all day and then let the wife work all night taking care of the kids (despite the fact that shes been working all day as well – be it a job or caring for the children). How many fathers would we be left with? 10 … 20 … maybe 30%?
“Okay, Mr. Wizard, youve diagnosed the obvious problem in our society. We already knew that the art of fatherhood was being lost. So what do you suggest we do about it?”
Alright I shall put forth my humble suggestion.
Chastity belts. Or in our day an age: Moral Training of Sons and Daughters, Place High Expectations for your Children and Role Model these same High Expectations Yourself, and Eternal Vigilance.
In other words parental, familial and cultural chastity belts (Im not, of course, endorsing actual chastity belts, but rather certain metaphorical constraints to protect purity). Make it difficult for our children to have sex before marriage. Some will still find a way, but I think by making it so easy for our young people to have sex it is like putting money in front of a kleptomaniac. Who knows? Some young people will respond to the challenge of purity and seek and succeed in waiting until marriage. Despite what so many voices say, it can be done and is done more often than many are willing to admit (maybe because sinners love company – if I get everybody else into the mud with me then Im not so dirty).
“So what does this tangent have to do with being a good father?”
Thanks for the redirection, my internal nag, but sex has everything to do with being a father. In an effort to wrap up this article Ill summarize it below and expound upon it in a later entry.
Baby becomes boy. Boy notices girl. Boy is trained to respect girl. Girl matures. Boy is trained to control his own urges. Boy respects girl and controls his own urges. Boy matures. Man develops solid relationship with lady based on mutual likes, interests, dreams and desires and not on temporal physical attraction. Man develops himself through education and time until he is ready to be the leader of a family. Man proposes to lady. They marry. Man respects himself, man respects his lady. Together they start a family. Man matures into the role of a father. Man respects himself, man respects his lady, man respects his children. Man is a good father. The marriage lasts until death parts them and the children mature and become great fathers and mothers of their own families. Everyone wins.
Sound too simple? Probably is but there is a lot of truth in simplicity. Lets follow a slight variation that will represent all the other possible variations that deviate from the tried and true.
Baby becomes a boy. Boy notices girl. Boy is NOT trained to respect girl. Girl matures physically. Boy can NOT control his urges so while he matures physically he does NOT mature emotionally and mentally. Boy and girl become sexually active. At some point a child is conceived and given life. Boy feels trapped in a relationship with a girl he hardly knows. He has seen others run (like his own father did) so he chooses to stay even though he feels trapped. He has little respect for himself, even less for his babys mommy (whom he feels did all of this to get her claws into him) and so he takes it out on his child. And while this boy never runs away and is there physically by providing and even marrying the childrens mother, he never does mature enough to embrace completely himself, his lady and their family. The man is a better father than many others so he is satisfied with mediocrity. This marriage lasts until the kids are old enough and then the father runs off to find himself. His boys are not trained, and his daughters are now eager to get a man that will fill the void that their father never filled. Everyone loses but at least in this case it wasnt a blow out. Many others are.
So is it that simple? Yes and No. Im sure you are thinking of a thousand ways that its not that simple. So Ill argue for the yes. If a man cant respect and control his own body how can he ever respect and lead others including his own children? So why are we teaching our children that sex is natural and that they should just do what feels good? Sex is natural, but so is fire and they both must be controlled or instead of giving life they will destroy it.
BTW: Dont feel sorry for my children. They will be taught this and many more life lessons as they grow and mature. But that is what fathers are supposed to do; raise and father their children. Id appreciate your vote for the Worlds Greatest Father. Unless, of course, Gandhi is on the ballot.
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