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Misc. articles I never got
to while at ORU
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Any good writer will tell you that a story-idea file is a must.
While I'm not saying that it's a must, I do highly recommend it.
The following story ideas are ones that I would have liked to have
written and published, but I'm going to walk in May so that's all
there is to that.
Next week I shall write the obligatory <sniff> last Pfile
for The Oracle. This week I want to vent.
Lucky you.
Found and Lost
This was to be my great investigative piece into the scattered
lost and found sites all over the campus. It is my belief that it
is easier to find a lost contact in a sea of eyes, than to find
all of the lost and founds on campus. It is also my opinion that
there should be a centralized lost and found (and I've heard legends
that there is such a place), say in security, where all of the individual
lost and founds could take their finds and have them found by the
losers.
Hitting Where it Hurts (Or David and Goliath
Revisited)
Dr. Swails is going to hate me for this (it will force him to
talk about Israel and ancient history), but you'll just have to
ask him about it in person. It's quite an interesting dissertation
that Ariella Goldberg presented to Brandyce University in the seventies.
Suffice it to say (until you get the full version from Dr. Swails)
that there is significant evidence to suggest that Goliath wasn't
struck in the forehead: he was hit in a much more vulnerable spot.
But God, I bought a jacket
The story came to me as I pleaded with God, unsuccessfully, for
Him to have the Chiefs beat Denver in the playoffs this past year.
As a prayed it hit me how idolatrous my prayers were. It was then
I got an inkling of the danger that sports can be. I only share
this now because the football season is over, and therefore I will
have time to hide from the religious faithful before the next season
begins.
Here goes: The High Priest is the Quarterback. The religious followers
are the fans. They worship on Sunday, with their praise and worship
leaders (cheerleaders). The ritual begins with the drawing of lots
(coin toss), requires a blood sacrifice (a pig's skin), and involves
the additional spilling of blood by a select groups of uncelibate
monks. The sermon has its seven main points, and an additional three
points by the high priest assistant who brings the offering message.
But unlike a real worship service, all the football zealots pay
their tithes.
I write this because it weighs heavily on my heart, and because
I'm bitter that the Chiefs lost.
Prophecies
My view of the future: the Bears. My view of the Church: the Bulls.
My view of the majority of Americans: the Lemmings. My View of the
Chances of my Becoming the Most Popular Man in America: Once I learn
how to keep my mouth shut, the Wooly Mammoth (but thawing).
Bumper Sticker Truth
I love "We vote pro-choice" bumper stickers. They always
strike me as being very naive: "I jump off of cliffs."
People will believe a lie if it is spoken often enough and loud
enough, Hitler and Goebbels proved. The truth on the other hand
while not as attractive, is easy to defend, remember and expound
upon. A diamond will stand up to scrutiny. A cubic zirconium will
not. Here's to beliefs that can be proved on a bumper sticker: "Abortion
stops a beating heart."
Class Dismissed
"Education," according to Prof. Labash, "is the
only thing you will pay for and be happy if you don't get."
My advice to teachers (at great risk to my own physical well-being):
Students will rise to the level of expectation. Expect them to learn
and complete homework and they will. Expect them to whine and they'll
oblige you. Dumbing down material, in my ‘umble opinion, defeats
the purpose of education.
Monkeys at the Zoo
The newspaper advisor, Prof. Smith, will be glad that I never
wrote about this one, though I did threaten to on numerous occasions.
The premise however, is simple. Sin, while seeming quite natural
and fun to the one ingratiating himself, takes on a very different
look when viewed from the other side of the bars. When I'm a real
columnist I'll have to develop this one.
Here's a Tip
What do pizza delivery drivers, waiters and waitresses all have
in common? They dread students, because they know they will most
likely be stiffed. There's a story I've heard from countless waiters
about the church group that shows up in the single mother's section,
proceeds to witness obnoxiously, and then leaves a tract instead
of a tip. Quiz: how receptive will this soul be to the gospel? We
are at times our own worst enemy. If you don't have enough money
for a tip, give me a call (230-9145) and I'll give you money for
a tip. I don't want someone going to hell because you're stingy.
For those who do tip, keep up the good work. He who is faithful
in the little things, God will make ruler over much.
The Rapid Fan
I was impressed with one young fan at a basketball game this past
winter. This 12 year old tike had some moxie! He was obnoxious,
true, but in a good way. When he was teased, he became even more
obnoxious and though he was the lone preteen in a sea of college
students, he didn't back down. In fact, he earned The Oracle's Rapid
Fan award (okay, so I just made up the award) for his obnoxious
behavior in the face of rejection. Crazy fans are admired, half-hearted
fans are just annoying. The difference between this young man, and
other obnoxious fans is that the other fans will back down when
confronted because they don't really believe in their fandom. Only
the true fan will go the distance, and become the Rapid Fan. I doubt
that such devotion could be related back to a Christian theme, so
I won't even try.
The Mirror had Two Faces (though one looked
kinda familiar)
Most films are forgettable with premises that tend to all run
together. This one, starring Barbra Streisand, was not. It ran along
this line: a man and a lady fall in love without having sex. Even
after they marry they still abstain until finally they are able
to reconcile their love and respect for each other with the God
ordained act of consummation. My story? Except for the abstinence
after marriage part, haven't I heard this concept before? I find
it funny that people reject the Bible and then discover "new"
and novel ideas that sound almost like they were learned in Sunday
School. Except for the fact that acknowledging the Bible means you
must acknowledge God, wouldn't it just be easier to do it God's
way first?
The Suffering Church in America?
Or why is it that everything is rosy? And what are we doing wrong?
I would expound upon this one, but I'm afraid the ice I tread upon
is already cracking.
Call 1-900-IMA-FAKE
My brother, Sam, pointed out to me that the daily horoscopes have
a star rating from 1 to 5. With such a rating scale you'd expect
the predictions to range between 1 and 5 with the average day landing
on 3 stars. Logical right? Well, they don't. They go from 3 to 5,
and never frequent 1 and 2. I wonder how many horoscope readers
would stop believing in them if they were given news they didn't
want to hear. The point of this story is not that astrology and
horoscopes are contrived, this is not in doubt, but rather why do
people willingly believe it? The simplest answer: people want to
hear encouraging words. Since they don't hear it from the saints,
they turn to ____ (since I can't find a synonym for demons that
rhymes with saints I'll leave this space blank).
There are many more stories that comprise my idea Pfile. Some
I'm saving in case of an emergency ("Help us Philip, we need
a cheesy, preachy article with lots of bad puns. You are our only
hope!"), and the rest I'm too embarrassed to admit that they
were my idea. At least, for now.
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