Conversing with a Pack Rat

Like a rat in a maze this script goes places

PP: So, Mr. Rat.

Rat: I prefer to be called Pack. But I'm not a cheese head.

PP: Okay, Mr. Pack.

Rat: Rat.., my whole name is Mr. Pack Ian Rat

PP: Ian?

Rat: Don't ask me... I think my great grandrat was Irish.

PP: Oh? Rat: No, O'Riley. PP: Really? Rat: Riley. PP: Whatever. I understand that you collect stuff.

Rat: Important stuff. I wouldn't collect it unless it was important. I'm not a slob.

PP: That's not what I've heard.

Rat: (Surprised) What! Who have you been talkin' to?

PP: She told me not to tell.

Rat: So you been talkin to my landlady have you? Oh (the veins on the end of his nose start to throb)... Why that mouse! She should really learn to keep her trap shut.

PP: Mr. Pack Rat! Please! These conversations are private, but... Well now, that's not why you're here. Is it?

Rat: No.

PP: So, tell me, why did you call me?

Rat: I need help.

PP: Yes.

Rat: Well, I heard from a friend, who heard from a friend, who ... Oh, I give up. I've been in your room. I know if anyone would understand, you would. Your room is a mess...

PP: (Upset) My room is not the issue here. My private life does not affect my ability to help you.

Rat: It affects your writing.

PP: (patronizingly) Go on.

Rat: Exactly.

PP: What!

Rat: You go on, and on... and frankly I get confused. Sometimes you have a good point or message but it gets buried in a lot of nonsense. You have so many quips and sound bytes that they drown out the message
and you rarely ever succeed in getting to the point.

PP: You sound like Rebekah, my old editor. Rat: Cameron.

PP: What?

Rat: Nevermind. Have you ever heard of author intrusion?

PP: Yes, but I'm the author.

Rat: How about ex-editor intrusion?

PP: Never heard of that.

Rat: Now you have.., anyway, what I'm trying to say is you need to keep it simple.

PP: Thanks for the advice. Now, about your problem.

Rat: I don't have a problem.

PP: Yes, I'm afraid you do. I'm told you keep everything you find and won't let anything go.

Rat: Right, but that's not a problem.

PP: How so?

Rat: Well, say Soviet Paratroopers attack. My stash of firecrackers should keep them at bay long enough to string up my bow and arrows. Or say, my car stalls in the desert well, I'll be thankful for all of those old Oracles in the back seat of my car.

PP: You'll finally read them?

Rat: Huh? Oh no! I'll use them to keep me warm. My old Humanities text will provide plenty of good reading. Or say my car stalls in the middle of a tribe of unsaved pygmies...

PP: Then you'll pass out the stacks of tracts you have in your glove box?
Rat: Actually, that's a good idea.

10 Minutes later

PP: Now, now Mr. Rat. It'll be all right. Don't cry. It's all going to work out.

Rat: Hey, hold it one minute! Don't you dare do that! Cut out a large segment of our monologue...

PP: Dialogue... Rat: Whatever. Cut out a large segment and then pretend like I'm the one that's been crying.

PP: Well, all the good TV news shows do it.... You're right. <sniff> I'm sorry.

Rat: It's all right. Don't cry. Don't you know your tears will make the ocean overflow?

4 Minutes later

PP: Mr. Rat. I'm going to tell you something that is a little embarrassing for me.

Rat: Do you have to? PP: Yes. I've been on a number of trips overseas...

Rat: Is this the tupperware luggage story?

PP: You've heard it too?

Rat: Who hasn't? Your lasting contribution to ORU missions is the fact that you hauled over 80 pounds of luggage to and all around Turkey in an army bag and tupperware boxes. The Mission department tells the story every year as an example of taking too much stuff.

PP: Yeah, its kind'a embarrassing.

Rat: Embarrassing? I think its a great idea. Genius is so often ridiculed. Tupperware boxes, who would have been that smart?

PP: I'm glad you understand me.

Rat: Oh, I don't, I'm just playing with your head. It would be pretty embarrassing.

PP: Thanks.

Rat: My pleasure.

PP: Well since then I have learned to lighten my load before I travel.

Rat: Down to 70 pounds.

PP: 75, but it's a start.

Rat: As a writer, don't you employ the same excess?

PP: Good point, my opinion has always been the more words the merrier.

Rat: I've noticed.

PP: But, rumor has it that a good writer is succinct.

Rat: There is a lot of truth to that. So how does this relate to my inability to throwaway stuff?

PP: Well, the trick to distractions is not that they are bad, it is just that they distract. In order to clean up and streamline your life you have to prioritize.

Rat: But why? What is the down side to having too much stuff?

PP: Maybe this will help. Have you heard how they capture monkeys?

Rat: No.

PP: Well, they will put a peanut in a glass bottle and place the bottle in a field. A monkey will come up, squeeze its hand through the top, and grasp a hold of the peanut. But once he has his fist around the peanut he can't remove his hand from the bottle, and he won't release the peanut. When they return they have captured a monkey.

Rat: The moral?

PP: Sometimes the things that we hold onto are the very things that trap and enslave us. Rat: Good moral. Do you mind if I ask a few questions?

PP: No problem, shoot.

Rat: Do monkeys eat peanuts? Who are "they?" What kind of monkey are we talking about? Can't the monkey just carry away
the bottle? What is a monkey doing in a field? Don't most of them live in trees? And do you know the number for the local chapter of PETA?

PP: Mr. Rat. Do you mind? I was just trying to make a point about becoming enslaved to our possessions. You know, the "my life does not consist of the things that I possess" or "the deceitfulness of riches" themes.

Rat: Right, great point and all, but you're liable to lose people if you don't have your facts straight.

PP: Thanks for the tip.

Rat: Now, don't get belligerent. Nobody has ever questioned your writing style before, have they?

PP: Besides my brother Sam, who questions everything, no.

Rat: One more question - do they understand it?

10 Minutes later

Rat: Boil it down if you would.

PP: Okay, the key to simplifying your life is to reevaluate what's important. Once you know what is important, and what your priorities are, then you will know what is unimportant. Pretend your house burns down...

Rat: BOOOOOOMM!!!

PP: Huh?

Rat: The firecrackers.

PP: Right.,.. Okay, now all your stuff is gone. What things will you miss the most?

Rat: Probably the cheap Polaroids that I stuffed in an old box.

PP: Not the expensive sound system you just installed.

Rat: No, those are replaceable. Besides, I was losing my hearing anyway.

PP: My job is done. Just remember the difference between experience and knowledge. Knowledge is like the sound system, experiences
are the Polaroids. Knowledge is great, but is replaceable.

Rat: Now, can I apply this same principle to other excess baggage? Like emotional and spiritual things.

PP: Besides the fact that that was my line, yes.

Rat: If I didn't know better, I would say that our whole conversation has a deeper, hidden meaning.

PP: Please, like I could even write stuff with subtext.

Rat: Right, what was I thinking? You developing something as deep as subtext! I mean, who am we talking about here?

PP: Well, it is a possibility.

Rat: But unlikely.

PP: Right. Now, this has been a good start. There is still so much more we need to discuss. The important thing is to evaluate your life, your possessions, your family and your goals, and what you would miss most if it were all gone. Then, seek those things now.

Rat: You make it sound so simple.

PP: Well, it really is. Take spiritual warfare. Everyone wants the latest atomic bomb to smash the devil and his minions, but they all too often forget that the greatest weapon, and also the simplest, is love.

Rat: Whoa, that's good. But it sounds to me like a severe case of author intrusion.

PP: So. Oh, look at the time. Well, its been a pleasure talking with you.

Rat: Same here.