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An inquiry into the mental
state of Oklahoma weather
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"Well the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so
delightful. Since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow,
let it snow. Shows no signs of stopping, and I've brought some corn
for popping . . . Wait, pardon me, it's now 90 degrees."
Not exactly how the classic song goes, but it sure does exemplify
the recent Oklahoman weather. The Oracle, in its pursuit of the
truth, recently put me on the assignment to find out why, how and
what it is that causes the oscillating weather conditions.
artwork by
Philip Pfanstiel
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My first task was to get expert opinions on the subject.
But, since God was busy preparing for chapel, I dropped by
Dr. Herr's office in the Physical Science department.
Dr. Herr told me that the changing weather in Tulsa was
due in large part to our location in the mid-latitudes. This
area is affected by a ridge or trough in the upper atmosphere
- commonly known as the "jet stream." The jet stream
wraps like a conveyer belt over the northern hemisphere, moving
north in the summer and south towards the equator in the winter.
For the most part, it dwells over the midwest region of America
and is the culprit responsible for the oscillating weather
conditions.
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The shape of the belt could be likened to a saw blade or a roller
coaster with sharp ups and downs. When a cold front moves into an
area full of warm air, the warm air is displaced upwards. After
the clash of the Titans is over, the warm air falls back and reoccupies
the area when the cold front moves on, this reoccupation is called
a warm front. This clashing of fronts produces storms, rains and
weird weather and are called "frontal cyclones" Dr. Herr
said.
Well, I had my answer, but I wasn't satisfied. I mean, my job
was to find controversy and obviously this wouldn't do. Besides,
I wanted to know about the schizophrenic weather we've been having
- not Greek mythology. I decided the best bet was to talk to someone
who could give me a psychological analysis of the weather. So I
made an appointment with Dr. Eldridge in the Behavioral Sciences
department to help me find the deeper inner conflicts.
To prepare, I reviewed the history of old man Oklahoma Weather.
I remembered his rather turbulent home life. As if his loudmouthed
brother to the south, plain Jane sister up north and the half-brother
to the east weren't enough, there were his relatives from Canada
that kept coming by for unexpected visits. Oh, and his grandparents
in Florida and their occasional short jaunts up to see him. After
weighing the data, I prematurely concluded that he is schizophrenic.
But this was before I knew all of the facts.
When I met with Dr. Eldridge I asked him some brief questions
on the nature of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia, Dr. Eldridge informed
me, literally means a "split mind." It is a psychosis
brain disease that is often hereditary and results in a splitting
of the mind and the emotions. This results in people with no emotions,
or very inappropriate emotions (i.e., joy at the death of someone
close). The treatments for schizophrenia range from family therapy
to a whole slew of drugs.
He then went on to explain multiple personality disorder (a mental
disassociation often confused with schizophrenia) which is a less
severe mental disorder. It is at the same time rarer than schizophrenia
and, yet, more common - an appropriate description, I'd say. M.P.D.
in its severest form is rarer than schizophrenia, however, every
human employs disassociation to some degree or another (this, he
said, accounts for human inconsistency such as lying and irrational
behavior).
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The more severe cases of M.P.D. are usually brought on by
a very traumatic experience in childhood such as rape, abuse
or beating. To deal with this, the child will create different
personalities. Much like "The A-Team" each mental
member will perform a different task. B.A. Baracus had the
ability to handle the bad guys with his appropriate attitude.
Ace, as the lady's man handled all of the romance. Hannibal
was the mastermind behind every zany contraption and escape.
And Murdoch was . . . well, actually. He was just crazy.
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Obviously, I was learning a lot but my hopes for finding me answers
to the mental state of Oklahoman weather were looking bleak. In
desperation I asked about demon possession and whether demonic activity
accounted for many of the schizophrenic cases. "We can't rule
that out," Dr. Eldridge said. "They could be demonic.
I wouldn't be surprised if schizophrenia was in large part demonic."
But he did say most of the multiple personality cases were probably
not, and that one should get the "lay of the land" before
tinkering with mental disorder.
Having been told this, I promptly called up my prayer group and
canceled the planned exorcism of the foul Oklahoman weather spirit.
Which left me with a rather vague theological question: "Has
hell frozen over? If not, where else did this weather come from?"
I was glad to learn all of this. It is important for us to understand
the difference ‘between schizophrenia and multiple personality
disorder. And I agree. Help for those with these two conditions
would best be approached by a trained counselor and/or doctor. However,
one thing we can do to help someone with M.P.D, is refuse to affirm
their alternate realities. Therefore, I have proposed to stand in
faith and refuse to admit that Oklahoma weather ever got freezing
cold and then blistering hot in the middle of February.
After learning all of this, I was much more in touch with my selves.
And with my new knowledge, I was ready to tackle the issue, so I
asked Dr. Eldridge if he thought Oklahoman weather was a multiple
personality disorder.
"Well, it's been just as hard to deal with," Dr. Eldridge
said. "And if it is, we need to find a therapy."
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