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A Special Commemorative April
1st Pfile
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artwork by
Sam Pfanstiel
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Disqualifier: A year ago today, my alternate
universe stunt double (long story) came in for a visit. He
asked to write a few stories. Seeing that he is kin I had
a hard time saying no. So I didn't. Here is his "immodest
proposal."
As a counselor I have learned not to trust
honest people. I believe honest people are the reason for
the demise of America. They undermine relationships, thereby
destroying the fabric of our society.
What I propose is a seven step program that
will counter this disease:
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Base any relationship firmly on the foundation
of dishonesty and distrust.
Dishonesty; is it always the best policy? I would suggest that
it is. Fortunately for us all, I believe that most Americans have
a solid grasp of this first step. We are dishonest with ourselves,
God and others - it's no wonder that America has been the bastion
of liberty for over a hundred years.
For starters, most people quickly find that honesty is its own
punishment. It is too hard to be honest, and when one is, they are
usually misunderstood and then rejected by those they sought to
help.
Make sure your motives are impure and
self-serving.
The best way to avoid the pitfall of honesty is to defend against
encroachment in your own life. The encroachment comes in the form
of self-examination. Live a lie; if you ever confront the truth
about your own motives and desires, you will become very uncomfortable.
This is best avoided.
I personally suggest that if one is confronted with a convicting
thought that you turn it on its heels and send it back where it
came from with an "at least I m not like him or her!"
Use other people for self-aggrandizement
and self-fulfillment.
Honesty also places a certain responsibility upon oneself to
care and be concerned about other people. This can only stand in
the way of universal truth #6: "If it feels good, do it."
Get offended easily, and harbor bitterness.
I think it was a proverb that read "a wise man looks for
an insult." If you hear something and can't decide whether
or not it was offensive, I suggest you take it as offensive. Otherwise
you might miss something. Medical research supports such a statement
when they admit that ulcers do tend to heal with time.
Love means never having to say you re
sorry, so don't apologize.
If you do, then exaggerate the offense -so that you will both
know that you were only joking. Apologizing is the wimp's way out
of confrontation. Besides, apologizing means each party must humble
him or herself and forgive — two things that should be avoided,
lest it bring about the unthinkable.
"The best defense is a good offense."
For some, if properly abused, honesty can be a very powerful
defensive tool. One can constantly pick and criticize others while
creating a protective wall that few dare penetrate. I liken such
action to trying to stitch up the flank of a pit bull. If someone
tries to break through this wall to be honest with you, rip them
to shreds — in the name of honesty, of course.
"Problem avoidance."
Avoiding problems is the last step on my list to better relationships,
but can very well be your first course of action. The key is to
remain perpetually comfortable, at ease and undisturbed. This will
not happen if you are honest, be forewarned.
This list is not chronological; it is merely seven good suggestions
to avoid being honest and its repercussions. Otherwise, I honestly
think the world as we know it is doomed.
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