At My Expense

A Pfile from the Better Half

by TAMARA HALLMAN (now Pfanstiel)

The following story was written by my fiancée. She volunteered to write it, and since I love her passionately and walk on the ground that she worships - oops, I mean I worship the ground she walks on. I said yes. After reading it, I decided it was best left alone, without any of my snide remarks. Those remarks I saved for the accompanying article. - PP

I went on missions this past summer and picked up an intestinal infection of some sort. By the time the rare bug was diagnosed and treated I had missed a third of the semester and had to withdraw from classes. While my physical body is well on its way to recovery, my spiritual health is making a slower trek towards healing.

To be honest, I have been kind of bitter. Some days I have had trouble seeing how this all fits into God's plan. I mean, I was obedient to God and went on missions and then got sick and had to quit school (56 days from graduation). As I read my Bible certain Scriptures made me want to yell at God. For instance, "They shall drink any deadly thing and it will not harm them." Apparently, I drank a deadly thing and it did harm me. Did this mean God was mad at me? Did I not have enough faith?

My spiritual life became dry and meaningless as God seemed farther and farther away. In desperation I began looking through old journals. I came across an entry from missions class my freshman year. "God, glorify yourself at my expense. Glorify yourself and send me the bill." I remembered praying that prayer as Keith Wheeler challenged us in our walks with God. As I read this entry I began to think about my illness and looked for ways that God could be glorified out of it. I didn't see very many. Slowly, though, the Holy Spirit showed me that God could receive glory out of this situation, but only if I allowed it.

When we are faced with trials we can react one of two ways. We can either let trials cause us to make judgments about God's character, or we can allow trials to form God's character inside of us.
Being sick has humbled me. I have realized (perhaps for the first time in my life) that sometimes situations are beyond our control and no matter how much we argue or how smart we think we are; ultimately we are not the makers of our own destiny. The only One who knows how the story of our lives unfolds is the One who wrote the book.

Lying in bed, praying for the strength to make it to the next dose of Demerol (a pain killer), has made me realize how utterly dependent I am on God. I could not make it through one day in my life without Him.

C.S. Lewis said that our temporal happiness is not God's eternal concern. Many times as Christians we get caught in the trap of believing that God's will must be the most attractive path that we see before us. Often though, He chooses paths for us with His glory and our good in mind. Paths that lead us down the road of pain and suffering.

Now, am I saying that me getting sick was God's perfect will for my life? No, I am saying that I don't know. What I do know, however, is that if I let Him, God can use this illness to form His character in me, and that He can receive glory from it.