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A loner discusses the feelings
of aloneness
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When I was young they made fun of me because I didn't comb my
hair, now they make fun of me for how I comb it, and when I am old
I am sure they will make fun of me that I comb the hair I have.
In Conspiracy Theory, a new Mel Gibson flick, Julia Robert's
character ask Jerry (Mel) who "they" are. "They,
they are... they," he replies.
I'm sure this fine soliloquy will not last as long as Shakespeare's
but it was nevertheless touched me to the deepest point of my being.
Woe, that makes me sound shallow, doesn't it.
Rejection from others, I have come to conclude, has more to do
with our own perceptions than an actual "we don't like him,
so we will snub him, - oh, I got it, lets stick up our nose in his
general direction," from others. Nevertheless rejection and
feeling that you are different than others is one of the most common
experiences known to man (this by the way is a completely unsubstantiated
fact, but it makes sense to me - I may have even heard it somewhere).
Feeling that one is different causes a wide range of responses.
Some will buy custom clothes, cream colored cars, and crash causing
car stereos (every good alliteration must die some time) in an effort
to be a part, not apart. Others will strive to be one of the group
by being obnoxious, and for these I cannot offer any good advice
- for the obvious reasons. A third group will attempt to be different
by copying the body torture rampant in society (belly button rings,
dyed hair, starvation diets, headache creating clothes [so named
for the headaches they give to viewers], and the like). Finally
others will sit down and peck away on a keyboard describing the
groups and why it is that they are above all of that. Again, I can
give no good advice.
Just a side thought. It seems to me that we are all influenced
greatly by the things we experience in our childhood. So much so,
that many of the greatest, and worst members of society can trace
their beginnings to an occasion in their youth.
I laugh it off, now, but the rejection I received in elementary
school is still very real to me, and I can recall it to the smallest
detail. Having said all of this, I can not help but wonder what
type of society we are who leaves the raising of our children to
day care and TV. No wonder we weep more at the passing of Diana,
Princess of Wales, than at the death of our own relatives.
Acceptance by others. What is the secret to this. Being a senior
I know many of the upper classmen and a splattering of the underclassmen
(though it is a hard for me to admit in public) and most of them
respond when I say "Hi." Beyond that, well what does it
take to have friends. One of the biggest problems I've had is setting
reasonable expectations. I want everyone to be my friend and I want
to be everyone's friend, but well, as I've come to learn rather
tragically, Barney is just a cartoon.
Another is that most people desire close friendships and that
takes time and exposure. Don't try to force it, or be disappointed
when someone you want to like you doesn't respond right away. By
the way, this applies to cross gender relationships as well.
Here's another way to look at it.
In your lifetime, your mission - should you decide to marry -
is to be rejected by over 2.5 billion women (or men). Or you can
look at it this way: You will be accepted entirely by one person.
Nevertheless, friends are like a dust gathering collection of Transformers
- the more the merrier, right?
I keep thinking, why should anyone like me? I could be the most
popular person on the earth - whatever hill of beans that amounts
to - and I wouldn't know it. To avoid being rejected by others I
prepare a list of reasons why they should not like me and conversely
ignore me. That way if they do reject me, I will think "well,
they had good reason not to like me." The biggest draw back
to this is that I preemptively act on something they weren't even
going to do. "Well," I tell myself (remember I have no
one else to talk to), "if they are going to be that way then
I will ignore them first. See, I showed them. That will teach them
to reject me!"
And do you know what? It usually works.
In junior high I was real popular with the unpopular but unpopular
with the popular. I often thought of staging a massive coup at my
sixth grade building. We, the unpopular - a.k.a. the majority -
would no longer feign and fawn over the popular (i.e. laugh at their
dumb jokes, carry their books, and shiver with goose bumps when
they sat next to us in English). Instead we would create a counter
culture that embraced nothing that past cultures embraced, and instead
make icons of the stuff rejected by the main culture. It was a brave
and daring plan but I could never implement it due to my carrying
so many people's books, and the terrible case of the shivers I got
in English.
As I look back on this plan I can not help but hit myself in
the head - I was onto something. What it took was for a band from
Seattle to bring this embracing of nothingness into fruition.
I wonder if truly popular people know they are popular. I called
over a dozen of the most popular people on campus to find out, but
none of them returned my phone calls.
For an opinion, other than my own, I called my soon to be better
half, Tamara Hallman. She told me that loneliness makes her cry,
or eat. I asked her if she ever wanted to be popular. "I have
friends who like me, I'm happy, who cares who knows me," she
said.
Maybe that is the answer, if indeed there even is an answer to
feelings of loneliness and rejection. Contentment. Having friends.
Being friendly. Listening. Courtesy laughter. Or if that is too
much of a reach - a laugh track.
To conclude I guess I could come up with some great lesson, but
I can't. I don't have any deep truths. These are just thoughts I
had while sitting alone in Marriott.
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