The Philip Pfiles

08/20/09: My Superior Inferiority Complex

I have a great inferiority complex. In fact, I have the best inferiority complex in the world. In my honest opinion... wait, what’s that? You have a better inferiority complex? Yeh, you’re probably right. Mine isn’t that good. Actually, I don’t even know what complex is. And I believe I imply and you infer, so I don’t even think I used that word right. You got me.

My confidence is weird. In some ways I have too much. My wife teases me that I think I can do anything - blame my parents, they told me I could do whatever I put my mind to. Makes me fume at how they handicapped me. :) But when it comes to relationships I assume that people don’t like me until proven otherwise. :(

I remember cornering a childhood friend of mine and asking him if I was his best friend. Now, he hadn’t seen me in two years and we haven’t seen each other since, but he said I was his best friend. 2nd graders are so gullible. Nice kid though. If he had told me I wasn’t his best friend I don’t know how I would have reacted. Probably sucked my thumb, pouted and then called my wife and cried.

Actually I was in 2nd grade (and not married), but I couldn’t resist the dumb joke.

Facebook presents another challenge. I have a great memory, so if I “friend” someone and they don’t approve it I know it, even though Facebook doesn’t rub the rejection in your face. I don’t “friend” a lot of people. In fact most of my Facebook friends were people that asked me to be their friend. But there are a few people that I’ve “friended” and got rejected.

Reminds me of a website idea I have. It’s called fartbook. But I digress ... or regress.

I yearn for acceptance, but grab a hold of the faintest scent of rejection. I don’t know why God has made me so sensitive. In many ways I see it as a major handicap for me professionally. I assume people will say no to my ideas, writings, videos, etc... so I rarely attempt the sell. And when I do and get rejected I do another couple spins in the neurotic cycle. As you may infer I’m in one of those cycles right now.

But I’m also impulsively persistent. So while I get knocked down by the slightest hint of rejection, I also bounce right back up. Kind of like a very drunk Weebul-wobble.

I know that God has made me sensitive to rejection. Having been rejected and felt rejection I tend to be better at recognizing it in other people and reaching out to them. I think this has been something I’ve been good at in my teaching career. Whether the loner on the playground, the quiet kid in the back, the difficult child who just needs someone to challenge and believe in him, or the substitute teacher - I try to make them all feel important and that they belong.

So here’s the profound advice my pastor once told me that I employ when I get into one of these funks. Talk to yourself. When we listen to our emotions, our fears, our hurts we tend not to make the right choices. When we speak to ourselves from the truth we know deep down (like say from that dusty book named Holly Bib Le) we tend to make better and more lasting decisions.

For instance, for every rejection that I’ve received I have received a number of acceptances (dude, I need an editor). As I mentioned a lot of people have requested that I be their friend. In fact if you’re reading this you may have been one of the half dozens that requested that I be your friend. Wow. Either you hit the wrong button, or you like me. You really really kind of like me... sorta. So I can concentrate on the few rejections (my personal preference) or I can look at the cool (and by cool I mean those that like me therefore defined as “cool”) people that didn’t reject me. My wife. My family. My friends. My cool co-workers . I even have former students that “friended” me (BTW: I won’t seek out former students, but will accept if they seek me out - I feel weird stalking former students... I mean I don’t stalk former... nevermind).

And for every person that I sent my video (“On a Level Playing Field”) to that is currently using it as a coaster, door stop or have thrown it in a box with all the old AOL CDs, there have been a number of people who have watched the video, given me feedback and even invested in my company. I still vacillate between thinking the video is great and thinking it stinks. Noone has told me it stinks, I just assume that if they don’t respond its because they think it stinks and don’t want to hurt my feelings. Maybe I should reframe that as “if they don’t respond, they must be jealous because its so good and they wish they had made it.” Yeh, I think I’ll start doing that.

So as I listen to me talk to myself I’m inferring that what I’m saying is that we can feel rejected or accepted by simply choosing who we focus on. The cool people that love us or the losers who don’t know what they’re missing.

So to review: when you get rejected talk to yourself and listen. But don’t listen to yourself talk.

Dude, that didn’t make any sense. I stink.

But... I stink so bad that all the other kids are jealous.

08/16/09: Liberating our Theology

Sadly most of my readers may not know what this entry's title refers to. Sad also that I felt the need to inflate my readership by making it plural.

I just finished watching a movie called “Romero” about the Catholic Archbishop of San Salvador Oscar Romero. He espoused a version of Liberation Theology and was gunned down by right wing death squads in the beginning of the El Salvador civil war. How do I know all of this? Wikipedia. I love watching historical movies while researching them online.

As a born and bred Republican I was always told about the conservative teachings in the bible, while many liberal views were often ignored or minimized. I’m sure this same approach has been taken in born and bred Democratic families as well.

The irony is that both sides are right and both sides are wrong.

I don’t feel the compulsion to go into detail here, but economically the bible does seem to support a capitalistic approach to land, ownership, work, etc... Also experience, economic theory and history supports that capitalism is more viable and sustainable. Most of the remaining “communist” countries have even adopted a capitalist approach to economics while keeping the hammer and sickle for the prison yard, labor camp and underground church.

However; the bible says even more about social justice, equality, and the corrupting power of greed, pride and violence especially towards the poor and defenseless.

So where’s the balance? Where does the truth reside?

Personally I have a crush on the truth. A lifelong infatuation with the truth, so I attempt to hold loosely my interpretations, understandings and political views lest by holding them too tightly I find myself resisting God. In my favorite film The Mission (also thought by some to be about Liberation Theology) the bad guys hold so tightly to their economic “rights” that they attack, enslave and kill the very people for whom Christ died.

Holding loosely to my understandings in a search for the truth is the approach I have had take recently with the Evolution and Creation debate. I’m producing a video series on Evolution and Creation called “On a Level Playing Field” and have tried to approach it even handed and balanced. To do that in the series I have to have the same approach personally. If I know one is right and the other complete bunk then it isn’t going to be a very honest series. So I’ve had to hold loosely to certain interpretations of scripture and allow myself to float between beliefs, interpretations and understandings.

This floating is uncomfortable and not everyone can do it. Most want a concrete understanding that they can hold to, fight for and die on if need be. The guerrillas have this concrete understanding. And so do the government forces they fight. In the end the only cure for such rigidness is the eventual easing of rigor mortis (i.e. everyone eventually dies).

I try not to be to immediately applicable with my entries (and have been wildly successful on this count) but do have one possible application; healthcare.

With a doctor for a dad, it was inevitable that I be pro-doctor and against socialized medicine. Marrying a nurse I assumed my understanding of medicine wouldn’t need to change. Then my wife got sick ... a lot. In fact I’ve toured ERs in more states then there are states (true I exaggerate but so do the hospitals on our bills). My anecdotal exposure to medicine in America reveals that there are many things that can and should be fixed. Do I believe that the current proposal for government run healthcare is the answer? No. Do I believe the status quo is the answer? Absolutely not. There has got to be an answer somewhere in between these two extremes.

Oops. Now I’m floating again. Fortunately, this doesn’t seem to be a problem for most people. They know they’re right until buried otherwise.


Liberating our theology from our preconceived ideas, personal background, vested interest and personal conclusions is difficult. But in fact that is exactly what Christ called us to do and be: a disciple.

A disciple is always learning, growing and maturing. A disciple listens and seeks to understand. A disciple has a master (Christ) and follows him where he leads.

Not the other way around.

God leads us into all truth via the Holy Spirit, we don’t lead him to the truth that we already “know.”

Now that is liberating theology.

08/06/09: Cleaning the Cracks that Crap Causes

Note from PAP: Please forgive my toilet language but there are only so many synonyms for poop...

My son, Luke, gets a diaper rash when he lets his poop sit in his pull-up for too long. My wife or I will notice the smell and ask Luke if he’s dirty. He responds quickly, “No I okay.” Then runs off and torments his sisters. We’ll check Gabe’s diaper and not finding the offending odorous source will chalk it up to gas, or secretly suspect the other of a SBD.

Later when Luke tackles us and puts his butt in our face or is up wind of our position we discover his lie. As a whipped... I mean, good husband I have changed my share of diapers. So I sit down with Luke and take off the biohazard. Sure enough the acids in the poop have started to eat at his butt flesh. Hence a classic diaper rash.

Now there are other means of diaper rash such as excema, or fungus, but (and there are many butts) in our house the most common form is the “sitting in poop too long” variety.

As I throw the spoilt diaper at the child slowest to react and flee, I yell “honey, could you throw this away for me.” Now I take a closer look at my son’s red butt and look into his teary eyes “No! Wipe! No Wipe!” I disobey and take out the wipe and start to remove the folliclly challenged dingle-berries (and yes I used this term correctly for once). He fights me and I have to wipe harder lest he spin about and escape while leaving a trail across my forearm, slacks and carpet (not that we’d notice the last stain).

After cleaning him off I apply a glob of diaper or anti-fungal cream I put on another pull up and warn him earnestly, “When you go poopy you need to tell daddy so I can clean it up so you don’t get any more rashes. Or better yet go in the toilet.”

Okay, that’s not what I say exactly. I misspelled one word in the previous paragraph, it should read “mommy.”

Luke nods, “Yes daddy!” and then returns to his job of joyfully tormenting Abby.

On a completely unrelated note (but soon to be snapped together):

Have you ever met anyone whose character just smelled? They talk to you and you can’t help but be repulsed by their negativity, attitude, ungratefulness, anger, etc... You name it, they just seem to be fermenting in shit.

What do you do? I’ll ask them nicely, “are you okay.” They’ll say “I’m okay” and then go share their crap with someone else. Later it becomes clear that they are full of shit and that this stuff is hurting their relationships, hurting you and especially hurting themselves. So what do you do? Do you come back and help them change or do you walk off and hope someone else will help them clean up?

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend,” King Solomon wrote in the book of Proverbs. Only a loving parent will change some of the waste that comes out of a toddler, while the toddler is screaming “I hate you!” and squirming to get away.

Only a true friend will confront someone who is sitting in shit and try to clean them up so they can heal. I did this recently with a friend of mine, and was verbally assaulted, accused, and criticized. It even cost me a great business opportunity. My crime was that I was honest with them and was trying to help them.

Looking at this friend’s life I don’t know of many people like myself that care about them and want to help (this person is similar to me in many ways). Most people are scared of this person’s rage (for good reason) and don’t want to hurt him/her so they avoid any confrontation. The end result is a little tyrant whose anger, bitterness and loneliness are all unnecessary. They can be such an intelligent, generous, thoughtful and creative person if people could get close to them, but the smell keeps people at a distance.

The temptation is to walk away and say that at least I tried. The problem is that the longer we allow our friends to sit in the “fruits of the crap” the longer and more difficult the journey back to a sanitary and sane state. True there are other caustic causes in people’s lives that we can’t fix, but we can help with the all too common “sitting in poop too long” variety.

Now there is a place for grace and gentleness when correcting a friend. You can wipe gently and use wet wash-cloths instead of bristle pads. You can also apply a generous layer of cream to the post operative area. But no matter how you do it, it its going to be uncomfortable and painful for the person you are trying to help and yourself.

The good news is that when its over your friend will be grateful (eventually) and may even go in the toilet the next time.

07/21/09: Muggle Magic

Why do people love Harry Potter? What is it about that world that enthralls so many? Whilst I haven’t read any of the books I have watched the movie. [Enter my wife’s derisive laugh track here].

I’m sure part of it is due to J.K. Rowlings writing ability and style. The characters? Sure. But I think in a bigger sense the reason that Harry Potter resonates with so many is because we long for the supernatural. In our materialistic / “science saves” society we’ve lost something mystical, mysterious, marvelous.

We’ve lost the magic.

Now whether magic is something that our evolutionary brain developed to protect us from predatory pigeons I cannot comment on. I personally think its because we need to look beyond our vision. We think in our four dimensions (XYZ and time) when we intrinsically know that there is more out there. There are other worlds beyond our reach. (See the book or movie called Flatlands for an interesting examination of other dimensions).

I believe that some of these dimensions are spiritual. I believe in angels, demons, God and gods. What can I say, I’ve seen their handiwork every time I pick up a paper, history book or news broadcast.

I may be a muggle but I want to be a sorcerer... and I’m not as blind as all those muggle extras in the Potter movies.

But if that works for you, keep on being captivated by the possibility of the truth, while living the blandness of the flatlands.

07/20/09: Living Life on Purpose vs. the Damnation of Living by Default

I’ve converted to Arminianism. In many ways it was destined to happen.

I just can’t stomach how so many Christians just accept life on default. We just go with the flow. Like a canoeist that is jostled to and fro on the rapids, bemoaning every bump, turn and dunking that the River throws at them. But sure that the River knows best and will take us where we need to go. Confidant that every trial, tribulation and consequence will make us better people and prove our faithfulness to the River.

Never mind that the River is leading to a huge waterfall. To death and destruction. Though visually stunning to others watching and bringing much glory to the power of the falls, need we take this plunge?

Of course by “River” I mean life and not God. Although many people lump these together. Whatever life throws at them must be from God because God is omnipotent and could do whatever He wants so this __________ (enter bad thing here) must be from Him.

This guilt by lazy association does unfathomable damage. We accept anything and everything as being from God. I just don’t think that is correct. While the Old Testament does ascribe many plagues, droughts and disasters to God’s providence the New Testament has a decidedly more proactive stance. Jesus went about doing good and healing all that were oppressed of the devil. This statement, mentioned numerous times in the gospels, should destroy the idea that everything comes from God. Illness, disease, physical handicap, demonic possession and oppression and even untimely death were not from God but from the devil. So Jesus was an Arminian too.

Paul admittedly was a closet Calvinist but I’m choosing not to talk about him in this article.

The more I read about the life of Jesus Christ, the early church, church history and the history of missionaries, the more I’m convinced that God has empowered (with His Spirit) and commissioned us (with His authority) to do His will.

And like any good leader, God isn’t going to step in immediately and do the job that He’s given us to do. So when we get dunked, twisted and slapped silly that isn’t God’s fault, it’s the fault of Christians who haven’t taken their authority and power to fix the problem. Maybe even our own fault. Maybe our sins have consequences. This connection is easy to see when it comes to the mistakes, choices and directions of others, but we don’t or won’t make the connection to our own life. It is far more palatable to ascribe the crap in life to a holy God. More on this later...

Now the relevance for my life today (also my 35th b-day) is that I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be continuing in my current job for much longer. While I love my current job (teaching) and am content to teach for another year I just don’t feel like I’m supposed to be.

Now God could just move me into the job He wants me in. And most Christians I know would just wait until He does. Or pray for months... This is another conundrum that I’ve banging my head against, the balance between prayer and action. I’m wired for action. I don’t like prayer, but I think this has more to do with the belief that prayer is pointless. Which it is if God is going to do what He’s going to do anyway. Prayer only has an outlet if “there is no fate, but the fate we make.”

So what am I supposed to do? Wait for God to act. Or find out what God wants and then make it happen? I could see spending time in prayer for the latter. In a way its like praying for your favorite team to win. Pointless. Or you could you pray that you would perform your best and help your team win. Purposeful. One is a spectator, the other a participant.

It is at this point that life interrupts. I just read all the article that I had written so far to my wife. She and I then get into a major discussion. She holds that life is tough, bad things happen and God is glorified by our response and trust in him. Which I don’t totally disagree with but I feel there is a better way that we’re missing.

We then go into a 15 minute spin cycle about sickness, cancer, death, martyrdom and televangelists. I think there was even a wicked witch thrown in there.

No birthday cake but I did get a nice sucker punch. Which as I lay on my bed bemoaning the cruelty of the river, reminded me of the whole point of this article. So I waited for God to do what He was going to do anyway, but remembering that I’m an Arminian I got up and here I am.

What do I do? Notice I didn’t write “how should I feel about this?” or “how will this bring God glory.”

I think, random thought alert, that when it comes to spiritual truths we deal with them in a completely different mind set then physical truths. I don’t think this is good.

When it comes to physical truths about illness, disease, death, cancer and even martyrdom we put our shoulder to the grindstone and ask some hard questions about who, what, when, where, why and how. But when it comes to spiritual truths we throw our hands up and say “God knows, we don’t, but we’ll praise Him anyway.”

That doesn’t cut it for me. I want to know why my prayers for Judith Vanderbeek weren’t answered. Why Linda Davison died of cancer. Why my wife has suffered with chronic illnesses of one type or another for 20 years?

I do want God to get glory. But is He so capricious that He wants the glory whilst we suffer, toil and die? I don’t think He is - and if He is then His son Jesus is guilty of major misrepresentation. I think He had and has a better plan that we are just missing somehow.

It is at this point in our “discussion” that things became heated because my wife is very sensitive about divine healing. “Why hasn’t she been healed?” The temptation is to write off divine healing and say that this is just how God wants it. To God be the Glory.

I don’t want to give God that kind of “glory” and I don’t think He wants it either.

Physical truth begins with the assumption that there are causes and effects. Once we find the causes we can avert, protect against or remedy the effects.

This is what the physician Ignaz Philipp Semmelweis and scientist Louis Pasteur strove for: the answer to why infections spread. As they discovered the cause they healed many that were oppressed of the devil. So did the Devil cause germs? Death? Contagions? Epidemics? I suspect that the answer isn’t a simple yes or no. More on this in another article.

I don’t know the answers. But I suspect that there are answers, and I am determined to find them. But we won’t find them until we start asking the questions and seeking to know the truth. Naively passing off the shit in life as gifts from God is a gross miscarriage of justice. Doesn’t God deserve more respect than to ascribe to Him the cancer, tumors, MS, CF, endometriosis, infant mortality, murder, etc... These are the works of him who seeks to “kill, steal and destroy.” But Jesus says that He has “come that you might have life and have it more abundantly.”

I don’t know the answers. But I know that the answers will bring God far more glory then passing off the devil’s monstrosities as God’s divine handiwork.

I think the answers may involve a paddle, an outboard motor and maybe even a parachute.

06/07/09: Pain's Refrain: Become Bitter or (rhymes with) Butter

If one could put a price on pain, my current level would be worth at least five blog entries.

I could write about rejection. About not being appreciated. I could rant and rail against all the perceived hurts, injuries and injustices done to me. Inversely, I could turn the tables and rant and rail about my own self-centeredness, lack of appreciation for others, and about how I deserve much worse.

All of these entries would be true and I may visit them in the future, but this article is about what to do with all this pain; become resentful. Uh... wait, that’s what I want to write. What I will write is about forgiveness. The medicine no one wants to take themselves. Make others take it? Sure. Take it ourselves? Not so much.

So what is causing me such pain, such feelings of rejection and of not being appreciated?

As I prepare to write of the thorn in my side it seems so inconsequential (because it is) but even splitters can go gangrene.

I didn’t win the “Teacher of the Month” award. And I shall never win it. At least not from the school campus where I have worked and given so much of myself over the past five years. Yesterday was the last day at my current school. Where I will be in August is still in limbo, but where I will be not is positive.

And I deserved to win it at least once. We have many great teachers at my newly old school. But I easily rank in the top 10 as far as commitment, time spent with students outside of school time, passion for teaching and willingness to help any and everyone that needed help (staff or student).

But it availed me not. True, I could look at the silver lining that my students nominated me over a dozen times, and I was honored with an even bigger accolade by a former student this year (an award I wouldn’t trade for a dozen Teacher of the Month Awards). And their acceptance of me is very meaningful, but it makes more glaring the choice of my peers to reject me.

Why is it that what we want, we don’t receive, but what we don’t appreciate, we have plenty of?

I’ve truly been a blessed man. I have wonderful parents, family, friends, wife, children (5 at last census), health, abilities, talents, intelligence, education, employment and sense of humor (one which I enjoy way too much). God has blessed me and so at this point in the conversation that I’ve had with myself I become ashamed at my selfishness. I shouldn’t care about this award or recognition by my peers. I should be thankful for all that I have... and I am. But denying the splinter because the rest of the body isn’t punctured isn’t wholesome.

Now comes the rub. I can’t deny the feelings of rejection and lack of appreciation nor can I deny that I’ve been blessed. I have been blessed by my school, principal, students and fellow staff members so much over the last eight years (five at my most recent campus), to let it end on such a downer isn’t a good summation. It would work for the Coen brothers but I prefer the typical Hollywood endings when it comes to my own life. Let the artsy people walk around depressed all the time, I’ll gladly accept my sugar coated reality.

The answer? I get to choose between resentment and forgiveness. And the choice while easily stated isn’t so easily chosen. Resentment brings with it all the favors of any great pity party. Forgiveness is a bitter pill to swallow. Resentment is like candy as it goes down.

Never mind what is contained beneath the coating; placebo or miracle medicine. You can only tell them apart by their fruit - what the medicine actually does.

One gives you ulcers, the other a good nights rest. One makes you jaded and jilted, the other joyful and upwards tilted (and bad at the rhyme, anyone for lemon, lime?).

One we become our own advocate, avenger, and herald of our own case. The other we allow God to vindicate, justify and champion our cause.

As far as my choice?

I couldn’t even pretend that I’m deserving of the Teacher of the Month Award if I chose ...

Wait, before I tell you what my choice is, I should ask you for your advice about what I should do?

Warning: Taking one’s own medicine isn’t as easy as it sounds.

04/07/09: Overstaying my type

I say too much. I can't keep these entries brief. And because each entry must be an intended masterpiece I fail to write often, but I make up for this by writing too much when I do. In essence its just bad marketing. My wife writes little but often and she has a lot of readers, I write seldom and too much ...

I find this same principle affecting other areas of my life as well; especially at work. I'm too available. Too involved. Too open with people. I'm too helpful to others. I try to do too much.

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then I think I need to pull back and maybe people will start to appreciate me more. They sure don't appreciate me now.

If it reads like I'm throwing a pity party then ... it really is obvious isn't it.

The biggest problem with throwing a pity party is that God always reminds you of people who have it much worse. And as I was reminded when I came home tonight I have so much to be thankful for, to concentrate on those sources of discouragement (lack of professional peer recognition) is to concentrate on the empty 10% of the glass.

I could go on, but the whole point of this entry would have been lost.

02/16/09: Some Random Thoughts

I haven't written much as of late. Stating the obvious to me and the inconsequential to everyone else is how I like to start most of my entries.

Here are my thoughts on shuffle mode.

American Idol: I’m really ticked that they didn’t pick Jamar Rogers for the final 36. I like him a lot and could see him and his friend, Danny Gokey, making it easily to the final 12. Instead they chose three of the most annoying Sanji’esque people, Stephen Fowler, Nick Mitchell and Titianna Del Toro. I’m betting the people at votefortheworst.com have already called to thank the producers. It seems the producers are more interested in obnoxiousness and ratings then in actually putting through singers that can actually sell albums. All I can say at this point is that my wife and I’ll be voting for Danny and hoping he wins so that he and Jamar can cut an album together. Maybe the next dc Talk. I’d definitely buy their albums. BTW I own only one album by an Idol alum and that album is Daughtry by 4th place finisher Chris Daughtry. We’ll see how the top 36 shake down, but if they give much more air time to the three above mentioned annoyances then I think I’ll skip this season.

Luv, tru luv?: Teen love is hard to take seriously. My wife and I watched “Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist” tonight. It was enjoyable in that it was the first movie in a long time that we sat down on the couch and watched together without trying to clean, grade papers, sew or some other chore. The movie wasn't bad. I wouldn't recommend it, nor would I discommend (sp) it. Inconsequential is the best term.

It seems too many movies go for the teen crowd. I know why: teens spend a lot of money, they have the time, can cast up and coming talent and such a movie is cheap to produce. Just a sec... I have a new script idea, better call my agent.

No answer. Anyway, the problem (and yes there's always a problem) besides the promoting of unsustainable sexual chemistry, superficial physicality, reckless driving, risque night life, and a few dozen other dangerous juvenile behaviors is that there was no moral to the movie. Nothing. And yes, I'm starting to sound like a grumpy old man.

In my defense, I liked the last Michael Cera movie “Juno” a lot (and I LOVED Arrested Development). There was something very redeeming and moral about Juno. This “Playlist” wasn't moral, and to be fair it wasn't that immoral, it was just amoral. And that I think sums up the current cultural malaise in America. “Do what is right in your own eyes and accept people the way they are. Judge nothing, lest we picket you, you intolerant bigot.”

My idea? Thanks for asking. It’s a film about this older couple with say... five kids, who live in the suburbs, serving in their community, their church and each other and then aliens attack and they must join forces with the Decepticons to undo the damage done by HAL 5000 and the league of semi-ordinary gentlepeople, while at the same time fighting a vicious attack of the common cold and diaper rash.

Darn... Still no answer.

Next Random Thought: Career Crush

I've had this idea rummaging around in my head for years. I may develop it into a fuller article and when I’ll do I’ll link back to it here. Yup, haven’t written it yet, so here’s what I got so far.

We all have our crushes. As a married man I do my best not to have romantic crushes (though Princess Leia is still so darn hot ... especially with those honey bun rolls on her head) but I have had my share of Career Crushes.

So what is a Career Crush? Well for someone like me who has no connections whatsoever (and the one I do wont answer) I often hope, daydream and pine for that one “connection” that will propel me from a nameless public school teacher to the next Robert Bolt or David Puttnam (and yes I just named one of my career crushes - I’m incorrigible). For those who aren’t writers obsessed with the movie, “The Mission”, the above mentioned persons are my British Idols (along with C.S. Lewis and Winston Churchill) and only Puttnam is still with us. He’s retired but if he were to come out of retirement I have this script...

That is my dream to be a writer and producer. And a sycophant. And I know that it will happen. (Not the sycophant... that was a joke) Someday. But the person that’s going to make it happen isn’t human... or well He is but is also something else. Divine. And I’m not just trying to butter him. I’m talking about Jesus Christ. Which may be one reason no one returns my calls (yes, I’ll drop that running joke like a telemarketer).

Which leads me to my next not so random thought: Time: Sometimes I wonder when my opportunity will come and other times I don't think I'll ever be ready when it does. Where I am today after teaching for eight years, raising five kids and developing my own business and scripts is nowhere near where I was eight years ago when I graduated from film school. So in some ways I feel much better prepared when the opportunity arises. But there are other days when I feel so insignificant and that I’ll never be ready.

It reminds me of this cool verse in the Bible... “He makes all things beautiful in his time.”

Which in turns reminds me of this favorite childhood song and cartoon catchphrase “have patience, have patience, don’t be in such a hurry, when you get inpatient, you only start to worry.” and “patience my little Smurflings.”

I know that the day I finally get over my Career Crush that God will open doors and move me to where He wants me to be. I guess that’s a cool thought really - that God wants to be my “connection.” Its funny how crushes disappear when confronted with the realistic choices, and even funnier when the realistic choices produce a love and fruit that lasts, while the crushes are squeezed out. What’s even funnier is that this last sentence makes sense only to me. I think I need to stop watching movies made for teens.

Novels: I'm reading the Anne Rice novel “ Road to Cana.” I’ll write more about it when I’m done. But I did want to let my mom know that I can still read. I never read her vampire novels, but it is amazing how God is using the fame and skills she gained from those novels as she writes these novels about Christ. It is a very good read... and this despite the fact that there aren’t any pictures. But I’m determined to finish the book before I go back to my junior novelizations.

11/03/08: Voting and vetting behind the veil

I won’t tell my students who I’m voting for.

Not that I’m ashamed of McCain (BTW I’m voting for John McCain) its just that being in such a diverse school students are very passionate about their candidate and they would get offended if I’m not backing their guy. Really, either way you vote you'll offend somebody.

So I’m teaching them the value of listening to others and respecting the opinions of others, especially when you disagree with them. I'm also encouraging them to think for themselves... but that will take more time than what I have with them in one year.

Speaking of not thinking for oneself... Its hard not to buy into the excitement of Obama. He is inspiring. His words are like honey. He is charismatic and intriguing. He is historical and would bring a new dynamic to the presidency that has never been there (and yes I’m speaking of the minority part, we’ve already had the liberal part).

The problems though outweigh the positives. For beginners he sounds too good. “If its too good to be true it probably is.” And while he sounds great, his actual accomplishments are minuscule. And even if his success in organization (he has led a great campaign) are carried over into the White House the things that he’d accomplish I disagree with 70-80% of them (from abortion to education, from national defense to supreme court justice selection).

But the most disturbing are the intangibles. Something just doesn’t feel right.

Now I could spout off a dozen accusations from the internet but most of these are superfluous and baseless. There are a few that may prove problematic to say the least (is he even eligible to run for president? Was he born in Kenya or is he an Indonesian citizen? Who checks this out and what happens if he isn’t eligible to be president but he wins the election?)

It reminds me of a student body election in high school. Who does the student body elect the nerd with experience in concessions and scouts or the popular attractive charismatic kid who gives good speeches and looks cool?

I guess my biggest problem with Obama is not really his fault. The media has given him a pass on any real grilling. They’ve saved the inquisition for Sarah Palin. The extent of the inquisitive nature that is supposed to be a hallmark of journalism is that they’ve all read his books and have experienced goose bumps running down their legs.

So my biggest gripe is with the media. But I’m not giving Obama a pass either. He’s been very shrewd and opportunistic. Which makes for a great politician but not necessarily a great leader.

The way that he won his state senate seat (by disqualifying the other contenders) to his always trading up without paying his dues where he is (opportunism). This leads to the experience question and has he ever been tested? While he could have nerves of steel under pressure and make the best decisions the fact that he has never had to make tough decisions and hasn’t been under much pressure are two bad omens.

A last thought on Obama: why does he want to be president? And on a related note: does he hold a grudge? Does he forgive and forget or is his presidency going to be an evening up of the perceived score? I don’t know what this might translate to, but it is a feeling I have.

Now, I’m not just a vote againster. I would be voting for McCain over pretty much everyone but Mike Huckabee.

I like McCain. He has been tested. He has shown his mettle. And I personally like the fact that he loses his temper. It shows his passion and heart. And the fact that he writes notes and apologizes to those he blows up at makes him human... and more like me than I want to admit (except I'm not good at writing notes).

I also agree with most of his policy positions (abortion, national defense, and supreme court) and generally respect him a lot more.

In short I’ll be voting for John McCain.

I don’t know that it will help though. I think the media has already anointed Obama. And the majority of Americans vote more on a candidates personality then his positions. And the McCain campaign has not run a great race (they’ve focused on the minor issues while ignoring the important ones - plus they’ve played a reactive instead of proactive campaign). And Obama has run a better race.

Sure McCain has a Hail Mary left and could pull this election off, but I don’t see it happening and if it does then his victory would be bittersweet (can anyone say race riots?)

If Barack Obama does win this election I’ll tell you what I’m going to do though. Well, I’m not going to go to Canada or leave this planet (I wish those who spout off such jibberish would actually keep their promises). No, I’ll stay right in America and pray for our next president. Pray for his safety, wisdom and that God would use him to lead this country.

So I will pray ... but first I’ll vote. I just wish I lived in Chicago or that ACORN had contacted me. That way I could vote a lot.

07/29/08: The Cribs Oxen Make

aka: An Ode to a Messy House

My kids are a mess. My kids are loud. My kids are immature. Picky. Moody.

My kids are too much like me...

But my kids are also kind. Caring. Compassionate. Insightful. Full of life. Crazy Fun. Beautiful.

I wish I were more like my kids.

Eight years ago today my wife and I welcomed our first born Nathaniel into the world in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

This past February I attended my 10 year college reunion and it was like I was looking into one of my previous lives. So much of who I am and what defines me has changed over the past 2/3rd of a dozen years ago (big families count in dozens simply for the shock value).

But children are messy. They mess up everything... if done right. Which leads me to the following line of logic:

Passion brings life. Life is messy. Passion is messy.

I don’t know if the syllogism works (yes, syllogism is a new word I learned so I’m trying to use it a dozen times so I don’t forget ... what was I talking about?). But here is my logic...

Children are a product of passion. I won’t go into details since this is a family site (sorta). So much of life is like this if you think about it. We follow our passions first (whether it be love, career, ministry or sports team) and think of the cost later, if we ever do really consider it.

For too long I’ve viewed my children as weights that have held me back from pursuing my real dreams. If it were up to me my life would be completely different. It would be so much more cleaner, “successful” and ... empty. It would suck.

And what’s worse is, I wouldn’t even know it. I wrote awhile back that “we never weep over the children that were never conceived.” That comment has haunted me.

I prayed a dozen years ago that God would glorify himself at my expense. Bad prayer to pray if you want a comfortable life. Great prayer if you want your prayers to be answered.

Fortunately, God had his hand in this delay / redirection.

My prayer now is not for success or for my dreams to come true but for His will and dreams to come true. And while I’ve longed to produce great theatric masterpieces, God has instead opened up a whole new production line that is infinitely more valuable, beautiful and meaningful.

Ironically, many of my other prayers have also been answered in ways I didn’t expect. For years I’ve wanted friends that would play RTS games with me like I used to have in college.

Yesterday I took my son to the store to buy a video game for his birthday. He then picked the one video game (Stronghold Legends) that I had had my own eye (but hadn’t purchased because of time constraints) out of hundreds of titles available and we spent hours playing together today.

I’ve also longed for a fan base that would faun over every story, quip and line that spills from my patriarchal mouth.

Now my kids beg me every night to tell them stories. Early this summer I spent four weeks giving them one of my fantasy stories a chapter at a time. Now they want me to tell the next story, and I’m not ready. I can finally say that I now have more fans than I know what to do with.

One of my favorite proverbs is the one that reads “where no oxen is the crib is clean.” Basically, its easy to keep a barn clean if there aren’t any animals in it. I have seen too many of my friends live antiseptically clean lives and have spotless houses and be the poorer for it. My wife makes a mess and my kids love her for it (and I do too once I get past my fit of OCD). Many judge our house, our five children and our own weary smiles and say “how do they do it?” whilst thinking “thank God, we don’t have to do that.”

I thank God that I do get to do it. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Except I’d like to make it an even eight (one more biological and a sibling set from an African orphanage), but I’m holding all of my plans loosely lest my plans block God’s dream for me and my family.

Besides once the house reaches a certain level of disaster any additional destruction is actually rebuilding... right?

In conclusion to this wandering toddler of an essay. That is how life is in a house full of children. Messy but meaningful. Loud but lively. Crazy but creative. Wild and Wonderful.

Link to my wonderful and beautiful wife’s blog and a photo of our family.